Next Step

September, 21st 2014
10:06


     I just realized that I was too sappy in the previous post, lmao.
I could become so alay when I feel too emotional, but the imagination gone wild when I do, that's one positive thing about being emotional.

     'Woman always put their emotion first before their logic' couldn't agree more.

     Ah, it's not something about being emotional I want to talk about.
I woke up at 8 in the morning today and I felt like writing the moment I woke up. But I dont know what to say.
Last night, I thought of many things. I always being so thoughtful at midnight. The imagination runs smoothly and passionate. I wanted to write my thoughts here but mom didnt let me to stay up late, so I got to sleep early. And in the morning I forgot everything I want to write.
I'm screwed up once again.

     In the previous post I talked about how I really want my crush to know about my feeling. But things didnt go very well. Everything becomes stiff. passive. He's such a turn off all of a sudden. And we stop talk just like that. Like nothing ever happened between us (It's not like something had happened tho). It's just we were close back then. He was one of my closest coursemate. Even tho it didn't pass a month yet. I never get along with others very well. But he was being so nice to me. I was so thankful.

     But I took his kindness in another way. The next day I found that I put too much hope on him. That he could make become a cheerful one with pure feeling called love once again. That he could make me feel that someone actually want to take care of me. That he could make me forgot my past. Those damn feelings. They ruined everything. I shouldn't have liked him. We should've stayed in a circle of friends. We should've been a very good friends now ;)))))))))))

     We should have been..

     Since everything already messed up, and maybe I'm the only one who think a lot about this, let's do one last step when something didnt work well between you and your crush.

     Move on.

     히얏!!!!!!!!!

     Well, I meet him everyday. And I just don't want to suffering in the class until the next two months just because of him my feeling. So I should really forget about my feeling and let's make it up with him. Be friends again like we used to. But I know it's not an easy task. Given that I'm kinda unsure about start a convo with him. He's kinda scary tho (aha). I'm afraid that he won't respond so nice if I talk to him. And this maudlin heart will feel offended again.
I hate being easily feel offended. It makes me scared of everything.

     Ha..

     It was a short beautiful moment tho. I won't forget. But let's not keep it too deep in heart :)

     And I'll make sure that I won't be flustered anymore.

     우리 친구하자..

    

    

Wishful Thinking

September, 14th 2014
01:46



'Here's my dilemma
One half of me wants ya
And the other half wants to forget'

     For the first time ever this song officially represented my stupid feeling towards a guy who seems just like another 'him'. (I didnt give it a quotation mark like he's something unreal or mystic tho, lol).
It's just I dont usually had a crush on someone this deep so. (It's not even that deep but- shut up).

     If having a crush on someone charming, the one who has it all, and most likely everyone's fave is frustrating and tiring (it's like falling in love with your idol -who doesnt even know that you're exist-), then having a crush on someone with big gap of age difference with you is a thousand times more frustrating, more complicated, and sadder, like, really sad. The thought of he just sees me as a little kid, as his another little friend really scared me off. It's not impossible though, I'm too much younger than him. Inexperienced. Immature. Innocent (lol).

     'You're just a little kid to him' That's such a sweet lethal whisper before I sleep. Every night.

     At time like this, I really regret I was born to be a girl. Why do girls have to be so coward about this? About confessing their feeling towards a guy freely? gently? bravely?
Why do girls always have to think about the worst conditions first that might happen? Before they even try. Why always 'what if he doesn't like me back' 'what if he avoids me after I confessed to him?' 'what if this thing makes him uncomfortable?' 'what if he thinks I disgust him with my confession?' 'what if I couldnt take his rejection towards my feeling?' 'what if he laughed at me?' and another 'What If' continues..

     And also girls concern too much about other people thoughts. Like, 'people will think that I flirt with him' 'people will call me bitch' 'people will make fun of my stupid courage' 'lol bitch did you loose your pride or' 'lol she got rejected I pity her' 'why even try..'

     LOL girls.

     LOL me.

     I wish people were born without being judgemental towards the others.

     So what I'm trying to say is, I want him to know my feeling. Like, seriously. Lol, I'm serious :(. Can a girl confess her feeling without being judge? I dont even know who will judge me but thinking of this in such a young age really frustated me. Why am I inexperienced? Why am I too young for him? Why was I born so late? (rrr...) Why do I like him? (Why did he make me like him?)

     But instead of being judge by others, his reaction concerns me the most. Like, okay, I've talked too much. Let's dont say something inappropriate here, lol. It's not like I'll have such courage though :(

     Somehow I'm thinking.. I just dont wanna end up buried deep my feeling towards him like what I did to my past. It hurts a lot. It doesn't have to be happen twice. At least, seeing him respect my feeling for him would be fine. Seeing him still smile to me would be fine. Seeing him doesn't feel burdened of my feeling and still manage to talk to me would be fine, as well.

But then again, I'm still a coward..
    

    

It Won't Last Forever

August, 28th 2014
12:12 PM



     Sekarang jam 12. Dan lihat apa yang kulakukan sekarang. Menulis. Ya, benar. Tapi bukan itu maksudnya. Jika jam segini orang-orang produktif sedang berada di sekolah atau di kampus atau di tempat kerja, maka aku adalah orang nonproduktif karena aku masih berada di rumah saat ini.

     Ah, kata 'nonproduktif' terdengar tidak bagus. Kesannya aku adalah seorang pengangguran. Well, emang lagi nganggur sih. Tapi aku bukan pengangguran!! Aku bukan orang nonproduktif!! Aku ambil kelas speaking dan aku harus les tiap malam, every fucking night. Aku punya kegiatan yang harus dikerjakan tiap malam, aku bukan pengangguran. Ini hanya masalah waktu sampai aku memulai masa kuliah sebagai mahasiswa baru. Oh yeah!

     I shouldn't be so sensitive about this thing tapi tutor kami selalu menanyakan hal yang sama dalam beberapa pertemuan seperti 'What do you do today?' 'How was your day?' 'What did you do from 7am until evening?' 'Tell your partner your activities today' dan demi Tuhan aku dongkol dibuatnya. Aku merasa malu karena harus menjawab semua pertanyaan ini dengan jawaban yang sama yang tentu saja, nonproduktif. 'I just stay home all day' 'I have no activities' 'I havent started school yet' 'I sleep all day' betapa semuanya adalah jawaban yang tidak bermutu. Dan semua jawaban itu keluar dari mulut seorang perempuan.

     Oh, harga diri.

     Dan fakta bahwa kegiatan menganggur ini telah mengubahku dari seorang morning person menjadi seorang kebo begitu membuatku sakit hati. Aku tidak merasa terusik lagi ketika Ibu sudah berteriak-teriak dan menyalakan lampu kamarku untuk membangunkanku. Biasanya setelah Ibu melakukan itu, aku tidak bisa tidur lagi. Tapi sekarang tempat tidur menjadi begitu sayang untuk ditinggalkan sebelum pukul 9 pagi. Jadi aku bangkit dan mematikan lampu kamarku, dan kembali tidur. I lost my morning person feeling, oh no. Comeback...

     Ditengah ke-tidak-sibukanku, aku benar-benar merasa kesepian. Aigu :( I have to say this again, I missed my friends so much. Jika kemarin-kemarin aku hanya merindukan sehabat-sahabatku, sekarang aku merasa rindu pada semua temanku. Semuanya. Hari ini aku ngecek following list-ku. Dan melihat DP mereka saja sudah hampir membuatku menangis. Uhm. Gak nangis juga tapi, I have this emo feeling. 'Omg aku kangen kamu' 'kamu juga, aku kangen' 'aigu teman-temanku, dimana kalian sekarang' 'kalian harus tau aku kangen' 'huhu jangan lupain aku' 'BOGOSHIPO CHINGUYA' 'TOMO-CHAN ㅠㅠㅠㅠ'
Kira-kira begitu.

     Ketemu teman baru gak bikin aku senang-senang amat. Meskipun ada yang bikin senang yang kayak, benar-benar senang (huehehe). Tapi ketemu teman les tiap hari bikin aku tambah merasakan feeling im-da-jobless-gurl. Teman les kan hampir semua anak kuliahan, satu anak SMA, beberapa udah kerja. Jadi tiap ditanya pertanyaan similiar, 'What did you do today?' bersahut-sahutanlah jawaban, 'I was in the campus' 'I was at school' 'I was working' and look at me answering, 'I was at home all day'. Anti-mainstream.

     Belum lagi yang di path. 

     Semoga semua ini cepat berakhir. Meskipun aku menikmati masa-masa istirahat seperti ini, tapi dengan dikelilingi orang-orang yang sedang bekerja keras aku benar-benar merasa tertinggal. Aku belum siap memulai hidup baru, tapi aku benar-benar penasaran dengan apa yang akan terjadi dihari pertamaku sebagai mahasiswa. I hope it'll be a good day to memorize. Aku tidak akan mau menderita selama masa kuliahku. Aku mau menikmatinya. Karena aku lihat teman-temanku juga begitu menikmati hari-hari mereka sebagai mahasiswa baru. So let's enjoy the brand new day. 

     Dan sekarang aku harus mencari makan karena aku benar-benar lapar sekarang. Sudah hampir jam satu. Ayo makan, salat, dan tidur kembali. Ayayay.

     끝.

Good Morning

August, 8th 2014
00:01


     Listening to The Canberries's Ode To My Family in your weakest moment and you will cry.
At least that's what happening to me right now. I don't know how I feel right now. There's too much. And it mixed. Makes me fluster.

     Minutes ago I was having fun spazzing over my oppas and it helped me to forgot my sadness a bit. But it doesnt happen too long. I was checking my bestfriends replies to my invitation to cinema tomorrow. They said they can't go tomorrow. They can't accompany me.  And it made my mood went down to the lowest level all of a sudden. Not that I could blame them for this. But all these feelings that mixed up makes me want me to be mad at everyone. I even shouted at mom when she asked me where's my brother went. I feel like shit.

     I was okay. Okay. At least that's what I think. But I know I just can't stop thinking of the 3rd failure that just happened to me even when I was having fun with my own world.
The fact that I'm the only one who failed in the selection made me feel worse. Everything messed up. It ended to a waste.

     And why the fuck no one reply my message. I need to talk to someone. I don't want to be comfort by anyone, but honestly I really do want. I can't bear the pain alone. I've through this so many times but today it's just, beyond my limit. I guess.

     I want to avoid everyone. Today, tomorrow, until I feel better. But who will keeping accompany me to run tomorrow? At this time I hate it I only have a few people who I feel comfortable with.

    And oh, look, he's online. Lmao, in such a midnight. Goodbye 첫사랑. I will never see you anymore.

Berita Hari Ini

August, 7th 2014
08:02


     Tiga kali gagal. Maksudnya apa? Maksdunya apa kalau bukan takdir?

     Sepertinya memang takdir.

     Lihatlah apa yang dilakukan takdir kepadaku.

     Kejam.

     Semalam angin berhembus kencang. Aku mendengar rintik-rintik air diatap rumah. Dan aku berdoa semoga tidak turun hujan. Soalnya aku lagi sendirian di rumah. Dan sedang menonton Pacific Rim. Bukannya film itu seram, sih.

     Dan pagi ini mendung. Udara terlalu dingin. Made me shiver a bit. Lalu hujan turun dari langit. Rintik-rintik. Diikuti dengan berita 'duka' yang sudah familiar bagiku. Mendukung suasana banget gak, sih?!
Kalau situasinya berbeda pasti aku dengan senang hati menyambut hujan dipagi hari.

     Aku berusaha untuk tidak menangis. Tapi melihat Ibu yang berusaha menenenangkan hatiku sama sekali tidak membantu. Aku menangis. Gila. Rasanya sakit banget.

     Kecewa, tentu saja. Karena ini sudah yang ketiga kalinya dan aku masih gagal. Menyesal, karena aku kurang berdoa. Karena aku sadar aku masih kurang berusaha (dan masih berharap lebih). Dan mirisnya, Ayahkulah yang paling banyak berusaha membantuku masuk universitas. Dan usaha Ayah sia-sia. Aku minta maaf.

     Hujan bertambah deras. Tapi Alhamdulillah tangisku tidak bertambah deras. Instead of crying, pikiranku lebih kosong saat ini. Aku tidak bisa berpikir apa-apa sekarang. Apa yang harus aku lakukan setelah ini? Apa aku harus mandi dulu? Atau makan dulu?
Biasanya tiap bangun pagi, Ibu akan segera menyuruhku menyapu lantai. Tapi pagi ini tugas itu diambil alih oleh Ibu sendiri. Sepertinya Ibu mengerti suasana hatiku saat ini. Dia memang mengerti. Atau tidak, dia kan tidak gagal seleksi masuk universitas.

     Ayah juga tak mengerti. Ia kelihatan bahagia waktu melihat pengumuman itu, dan gak mau ambil pusing lagi. Aku tahu Ayah tidak sepenuh hati membantuku. But anyway, thanks daddy. Your workhard for me means a lot! At least it was making me feel safe and relief.

     Hal positif dari berita ini, aku tiba-tiba pengen nulis lagi.  Mungkin efek jobless seketika. Aku jadi nyari-nyari majalah W dan lihat persyaratan mengiriman cerpen, hihi.

     Jadinya nulis beneran, hehe.

    Semoga kali ini ceritanya punya ending -_-

   And I hope with this failure I could manage myself to be a better person. Amin.
    

You Agree

Makassar, May, 18th 2014


     "However rare true love may be, it is less so than true friendship."
                                                                                      -Albert Einstein-


     If you met your lover who turned your world upside down, then my bestfriends are enough for me to change my world. I never experienced be in a serious relationship before. No one ever confess to me, which is so sad. I know. Seeing your friend have that serious commitment with someone they love, or even when they're just playing around, that makes me envy a lot. For once, I want to feel that kind of feeling too. That feeling when you're in relationship with someone. Have a date and doing gross cliché stuffs like hug and kiss and I dont know, just be together?

     I want a soulmate.

     I fall in love once. That's a long time ago. When I met him I would feel so hot and nervous and sweating a lot, heart beats faster and my chest felt really tight, and I have butterflies in my stomatch. That feeling was amazing. The feeling of falling in love. I will do everything to make that feel comeback to me. Because I miss it. I have the best moment when I was in love. Everything seems so beautiful. It's like a sparkly paradise with pink unicorns jumping over double rainbows. Adoring him was like the best thing that I have ever done. Gross. Stupid. But that's how people are when they're falling in love. So do I.

     My crush could make me be a complete idiot, but he can never makes me feel like a real shit like my bestfriend do. Or not yet. I have some bestfriends. Four of my bestfriends are my sisters since I was born, my sisters who I grew up with since we were still in diapers, my sisters who support me in my ups and downs, my sisters who complain a lot about my habit but that's how they care about me, my sisters who makes me being myself when I'm around them, and my sisters who give colours into my gloomy life. Even though I hate them for hurting me so much without them even knowing, but losing them would be the worst thing that could happen to me.

     My two other bestfriends are my favorite type of pizza that I will can never resist. One of them is like a fairy Godmother to me. I shared a lot of my love life stories to her because she understands me the best. She is the one who gave advice to me and I would thank her after I tell everything to her. We have so much in common about this thing. We have joys and pains together but we're still awkward to each other when we meet but that's not a matter to both of us. The atmosphere might be awkward but I feel comfortable the most with her. Weird. I know. We are still crazy together.

     And the other one is the one who gave me a lot of stress and feels and emotions yet she's also gave me the best feeling ever of being her bestfriend. She's like a reflection of me. She's the one who turned my world upside down. This bestfriend. We have TOO much in common but we absolutely different. We fight a lot about a lot of things. I really hate it when we fight. It makes me feel bad and uneasy and feel guilty and sometimes I cried a lot when we fight. I can't think of anything anymore when we argued about our friendship. I hate it when I mad at her and vice versa because that's when I feel like I'm being a real shit. I'm easily mad at her for silly things and that's suck. I'm suck. I'm glad she's being my bestfriend that could understand my weird habit even though sometimes she just cant handle it anymore. Sometimes I would think, "Why am I her bestfriend again?" because I'm such a bad bestfriend to her. But yes we fight, and that's what makes us love each other even more. She's my best pal. She makes me feel what a real friendship is.
Hope everything will be alright soon.

     Sometimes I feel like having bestfriends in my life are enough for me. But I need a lover too. I mean duh, that's why God create us, right? To find a soulmate. Because soulmate will be the one who complete your life.

     Both bestfriend and soulmate are two important things that everyone need. You agree.


     "Well, it's like a best friend, but more. It's the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else. It's someone who makes you a better person, well, actually they don't make you a better person... you do that yourself-- because they inspire you. A soulmate is someone who you carry with you forever. It's the one person who knew you, and accepted you, and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would. And no matter what happens.. you'll always love them."

                                                                                                   -Dawson's Creek-

Dream

March, 2rd 2014
Makassar



     Today would be such a very good day if I don't remember that tomorrow I have three subjects as a start of all those exams that won't stop until D-day. Worse, I study none of them yet. You know, chemist :-)))

     But what's good about today is, I finally got chance again to ride pedicab on the road town after a long time. No, I didn't ride it, I'm the passenger uh, okay. Amazing. I've missed this moment so much. I always like to ride pedicab on road town because it's so relaxing, slow, windy, and you can see beautiful views above you. Feels like you've been in those beautiful famous streets in a famous countries that you didn't even ever step on it before. But you feel like you just did. So cool.

     A feeling of doing a world traveling is growing even more inside of me. More like excited, can't wait and anticipated. This desire to do a world traveling has been a big dream to me since I was little. And I hope I can do that someday. Especially with my best pal, Yusra. We've been dreaming aand imagining going to many places together too often. Go to famous cities and meet our idols and do a culinary tour and theres still so much more. Wish those dreams come true :)

     "You have to dream before your dreams can come true" - A.P.J. Abdul Kalam




-end-

Final

Makassar, March, 22nd 2014



     Finally we did it. After a long tired month and extra exercises that we had to do and cancelled many important activities, we did a good performance today. Even though there are some mistakes but it doesnt count as a matter. We've worked hard. That's all.

     But something is missing. That's what I felt. And that's what Ina said earlier. After this performance, after today, we no longer have to meet and practice after school time, no more Hijab or Budi to pick up Wini or Nunu or Ina or me at our places, no more Tuti who text us "where are you now? we need to practice" or "gath at Ummu's place, now", no more sharing food, no more sharing ideas, no more vocal lesson from Danti, no more feeling tired and upset at one another, no more Tuti who always complain for missing course again for the nth time already, no more silly act from Fatin that caused laughter from us especially from Yaya, no more Hijab to buy us food, and no more nagging and jokes and instruction from our leader and father, Budi.

     I'm a bit too much. That will still happen at school anyways. But I'm talking about what we've been through and did nowadays for today's performance.
I was never really feel tired after practice like what Nunu always felt (but she feels tired and sleepy everyday). However I always feel um, sad when we have to end the practice (excuse me I'm too much). I've always enjoyed this moment with my group. I was happy to spent my time all day with them. I was happy to have this tired and fun moment together before we graduate and left school (everybody say, aaaaaaaamiiiiiiiiinnn)
I wasn't so talkative and funny between others, but others did. I always enjoying myself watching them being silly and all. And that's what i am, we are, gonna miss soon. This moment.

     After this performance, after today, we will focus on study for national exam that held in three weeks. We study together, but in the end we will fight alone by ourselves at D-day. And we will pray to get the best and graduate well, all of us. No one's left.

     With this, I totally feel grateful to have them, my group and all my classmates, Expost, for giving me the best moment in my high school time, even though I'm not blending that well and not so expressive to show it, but still, Thank you.

     I wish we still have to do  practice after this (seriously I still want to do a practice T-T), but let's just study for the next month's examination :)

     Work hard everyone, my classmates, talanghae :')






-end-
    
    

I'm (NOT) Okay

February, 15th 2013


D-2 SNMPTN

     Dua hari. Someone might want to kill me already.
Kalau teman-teman lainnya kayak, "Duh, jurusan mana yang harus gue pilih? A atau B? BINGUNG BANGET!" then I'm like, "Gue pilih jurusan atau sekalian gak usah kali ya?"

     Aku akan pilih jurusan yang aku minati saja, dan sesuai kemampuanku. Yang jelas yang bisa dinikmati (Kalo gak dinikmati kan percuma, nelangsa selama empat tahun gak bakalan enak). Karena kemampuan IPA-ku sudah jelas gak memungkinkan, aku pengen masuk jurusan sastra Inggris (PENGEN BANGET), yang jelas-jelas ditentang sama orang tua, terutama Ibu.

"Di sastra Inggris mau jadi apa?" "Ngambil jurusan itu mesti pikir kedepannya juga, ambil jurusan yang peluang dapat pekerjaannya besar" "Kalo mau yang berbahasa Inggris, ambil yang pendidikan aja, atau HI" "Kenapa gak ambil kedokteran sih?!" "Ambil Hukum deh, nak"

Dan yang paling menjengkelkan, "Kalo mau belajar bahasa Inggris kan bisa les aja"

IBU LUPA KALAU AKU MALAS PERGI LES !!!


#@%@#*&^%#*$(!@^#)^%!@

     Kalau aku curhat sama orang lain tentang ini, mereka pasti udah menatap kasihan ke aku (sambil nepuk bahu untuk kesan dramatis).

Dan aku gak bakalan curhat sama Ibu lagi karena,

Me : "Bu"
Ibu : "Apa?" (Fokus ke tab main Onet)
Me : "Bu, aku ambil jurusan sastra Inggris ya?"
Ibu : "KENAPA SASTRA INGGRIS KENAPA GAK HUKUM AJA BUKU-BUKU AYAH YANG DUA LEMARI ITU MAU DIAPAIN KALO KAMU GAK AMBIL HUKUM HAH?!" (Tetap fokus ke Onet)

(End of conversation)

     WHY AM I NOT A SMARTIE ???

Aku mau aja ambil jurusan sains, tapi nggak yakin (dan gak niat karena aku gak pintar). Aku kan punya jurusan pilihan sendiri. Kalau ambil jurusan lain, pasti nantinya nyesal sendiri.
Terus nanti kalau gak ambil jurusan Englit pasti ada momen dimana aku jealous abis sama mahasiswa fakultas Englit (bisa jadi setiap hari ke kampus gak bisa gak menatap iri ke mahasiswa Englit terlebih dahulu sebelum masuk kelas), dan itu tidak bagus.

     Aku kan ambil fakultas sastra bukan tanpa alasan. I really want to learn english literature or linguistic more for the rest of my life for God's sake. I really do. :( . Aku udah capek belajar fisika dan temannya, kimia :(

     Bagaimana ini ?
Kalau ada kondisi yang lebih dari "stress maksimal" maka itulah aku.
Once I have this plan to take Englit without telling my parents but I can't just do it that way.
Aku sudah menghabiskan masa SMA ku dijurusan IPA atas dasar pilihan orang tua (bahasa kasarnya, terpaksa), dan aku baik-baik saja selama ini. Gak juga sih. Aku tersiksa, guys /sobs/ 
Aku dari dulu pengen banget ambil jurusan IPS, tapi apa daya. Kapan sih aku bisa membantah permintaan seserius ini. Kalau nentang bisa-bisa kualat, cyn.
Tapi sedikit banyak aku juga bersyukur telah mengambil jurusan IPA dengan alasan yang tidak bisa dijelaskan.

Makanya aku takut bantah kemauan Ayah sama Ibu !!!!

     Tau kan doa Orang Tua itu dibutuhin banget :( . Kalau gak dapat restu dari Ortu gimana mau sukses ? Gimana kuliahnya bisa lancar ? Selama ini aku baik-baik saja dijurusan IPA juga karena doa Orang Tua.
Dan aku juga yakin aku bakalan jadi tipe mahasiswa yang santai (gak kebelet pengen selesai cepat-cepat). Masa aku mau jadi anak durhaka terus ?



     Seharusnya aku pintar fisika, seharusnya aku sudah bisa jadi astronot dalam lima tahun kedepan.

     Seharusnya...




    





     

Weary

January, 11th 2013
17:10


     Semester 6.

     Semester tersibuk sepanjang sejarah siswa sekolah menengah atas. Ini belum seminggu, dan aku sudah mengeluarkan pernyataan,"tired as hell" tiga hari yang lalu. Capeknya emang nyata. Maksudnya, aku tidak buka twitter selama lima hari itu artinya aku memang benar-benar sibuk in real life dan tentu saja, capek.

     Beberapa dekade yang lalu aku mikir, "Kapan aku bisa lepas dari status 'jobless' dan benar-benar sibuk kayak teman sekolah yang aktif banget di luar rumah sampai-sampai pulang ke rumah cuma buat tidur aja?", dan jawabannya adalah tahun 2014, pemirsa solehah di rumah.

     Dan ini baru permulaan.

     Mengurangi waktu nge-tweet emang udah kewajiban dan aku sedang berusaha keras buat fokus belajar dan gak fangirling lebih dari 3 jam (Biasanya hampir 12 jam). Mumpung ini hari sabtu, alhamdulillah bisa refreshing dikit. Dan refreshing versiku itu bukan tidur. Tapi browsing. Hahaha.

     Waktu browsing yang diganti menjadi waktu belajar itu adalah suatu pertukaran yang luar biasa dan dilakukan dengan sangat lapang dada yang aku sedang lakukan saat ini. Semoga sukses sampai akhir.

     HOSH !

     Schedule semester ini berubah dari bangun-ke sekolah-belajar-pulang sekolah-browsing sampai tengah malam- tidur-bangun lagi menjadi bangun-ke sekolah-belajar-belajar bimbingan tambahan-les-pulang ke rumah-tidur-bangun lagi. 

     Nasib anak kelas 12. Sekalipun telah mendapat gelar "Senior dari segala senior" tapi tetap saja kami menyimpan beban berat dibahu kelelahan kami yang harus segera diringankan demi masa depan yang cerah, dan menjadi diri kita yang sebenarnya.
Dalam hal ini, pemilihan jurusan yang sesuai dengan kemampuan.

     Jurusan. Fakultas. Universitas.

     Berbahagialah kepada kalian semua yang telah menetapkan jurusan pilihan kalian dengan matang dan tanpa keraguan. Dan mohon doanya untuk saya karena saya masih dalam status : Dilema. 
Aku punya satu pilihan jurusan yang aku yakini benar-benar sesuai dengan kemampuanku. Tapi apa sih yang bersarang dikepalaku sehingga aku belum bisa mengubah status Dilema menjadi YAKIN! 

     Berhubung ini juga berkaitan ERAT sama masa i-cant-face-it alias masa depan, ya sepertinya aku butuh meditasi dulu supaya dapat pencerahan. Maksudnya, salat Tahajjud. (Tapi aku gak tau mau curhat bagaimana sama Allah).

     Waktu SD aku mau jadi guru, notaris, dan Doraemon. Waktu SMP sempat kepikiran mau jadi wartawan/jurnalis dan dokter hewan. Tapi setelah dipikir-pikir semua profesi itu gak ada yang cocok buat aku. Saking frustasinya, aku jadi kepikiran pengen jadi astronot saja. Kan tinggal terbang.

     Atau langsung menikah saja.

     Kalau usai lulus SMA ujung-ujungnya langsung nikah, ya ngapain sekolah selama 12 tahun ?

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     Dengan begitulah semua kebimbangan dan keletihan ini mengusik jiwa dan batin yang ternyata juga masih dibayang-bayangi wajah oppa-oppa nun jauh disana. Kalau awalnya aku merasa 'mencintai' oppa  adalah salah satu hal yang paling menyenangkan untuk dilakukan, maka sekarang aku menyesal pernah merasakan itu. Masalah hidup malah jadi bertambah berat.

Maksudnya, bagaimana perasaanmu saat lagi serius-seriusnya belajar, wajah oppa  malah melintas dikepala dan guru fisikamu seakan-akan bertransformasi menjadi cowok berkacamata 180 cm dengan wajah bersinar dan smirk andalannya terpatri jelas diwajahnya untuk menggoda murid-murid wanitanya?

Fantasiku memang sedikit keterlaluan kadang-kadang. Dan begitulah susahnya hidup sebagai seorang imaginer, orang yang suka daydreaming di kelas.
 
     Sekarang aku tau apa yang harus katakan kepada Allah saat salat tahajjud nanti,

     "Ya-Allah, hamba ingin sekali melupakan cowok-cowok /coret/sialan/coret/ di Korea sana yang dengan /coret/kurang ajar/coret/ nya telah berani masuk dan merusak kehidupanku yang awalnya tentram dan normal-normal saja menjadi kehidupan yang begitu miris penuh tangis dan berakhir terlalu mencintai mereka. Bantu hamba, Ya-Allah. Amin"


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