Wishful Thinking

September, 14th 2014
01:46



'Here's my dilemma
One half of me wants ya
And the other half wants to forget'

     For the first time ever this song officially represented my stupid feeling towards a guy who seems just like another 'him'. (I didnt give it a quotation mark like he's something unreal or mystic tho, lol).
It's just I dont usually had a crush on someone this deep so. (It's not even that deep but- shut up).

     If having a crush on someone charming, the one who has it all, and most likely everyone's fave is frustrating and tiring (it's like falling in love with your idol -who doesnt even know that you're exist-), then having a crush on someone with big gap of age difference with you is a thousand times more frustrating, more complicated, and sadder, like, really sad. The thought of he just sees me as a little kid, as his another little friend really scared me off. It's not impossible though, I'm too much younger than him. Inexperienced. Immature. Innocent (lol).

     'You're just a little kid to him' That's such a sweet lethal whisper before I sleep. Every night.

     At time like this, I really regret I was born to be a girl. Why do girls have to be so coward about this? About confessing their feeling towards a guy freely? gently? bravely?
Why do girls always have to think about the worst conditions first that might happen? Before they even try. Why always 'what if he doesn't like me back' 'what if he avoids me after I confessed to him?' 'what if this thing makes him uncomfortable?' 'what if he thinks I disgust him with my confession?' 'what if I couldnt take his rejection towards my feeling?' 'what if he laughed at me?' and another 'What If' continues..

     And also girls concern too much about other people thoughts. Like, 'people will think that I flirt with him' 'people will call me bitch' 'people will make fun of my stupid courage' 'lol bitch did you loose your pride or' 'lol she got rejected I pity her' 'why even try..'

     LOL girls.

     LOL me.

     I wish people were born without being judgemental towards the others.

     So what I'm trying to say is, I want him to know my feeling. Like, seriously. Lol, I'm serious :(. Can a girl confess her feeling without being judge? I dont even know who will judge me but thinking of this in such a young age really frustated me. Why am I inexperienced? Why am I too young for him? Why was I born so late? (rrr...) Why do I like him? (Why did he make me like him?)

     But instead of being judge by others, his reaction concerns me the most. Like, okay, I've talked too much. Let's dont say something inappropriate here, lol. It's not like I'll have such courage though :(

     Somehow I'm thinking.. I just dont wanna end up buried deep my feeling towards him like what I did to my past. It hurts a lot. It doesn't have to be happen twice. At least, seeing him respect my feeling for him would be fine. Seeing him still smile to me would be fine. Seeing him doesn't feel burdened of my feeling and still manage to talk to me would be fine, as well.

But then again, I'm still a coward..