seorang anak yang tersesat

Date:
u n k n o w n

SEORANG ANAK YANG TERSESAT

"Aku tak selalu paham ketika melihat seseorang begitu bersedih terhadap orang lain. 

Menangis meraung-raung, 

berteriak histeris, 

terkuras semua emosi dalam dirinya untuk orang lain. 

Mereka sanak keluargaku. 

Tapi aku tak paham dengan ikatan batin yang mereka miliki.
Aku bertanya-tanya mengapa aku tak menangis sepilu itu? 

Mengapa aku merasa tak tulus ketika muncul perasaan ingin berempati? 

Mengapa aku tak memahami afeksi mereka?
Aku merasa kebas. Hambar berada di antara mereka.

Maka pergilah aku.
Jauh dari rumah. 
Merantau ke sana kemari.
Berharap mungkin di suatu tempat, 

aku bisa menemukan alasan untuk mengerti kekuatan sebuah ikatan batin. 

Atau rasa empati belaka."

the point is im ruined

Date:
u n k n o w n

i really need to consult.
it's been getting harder to handle pressure,
and i've been constantly avoiding any activities that require pressure.
i've lost so much opportunities.
i assured myself to just take it,
but i'm afraid i will mess it up.
so i gave them up instead.
i don't even know if i can get another chance in the future.
i'm scared because i cant be sure people will still be kind enough 

to offer me good things later.
i probably disappointed them already.
and i disappointed myself too.
it's hard.
wanting to blame something else but nothing i can blame but myself.
i should learn how to take pressure.
but i'm so scared.
i'm so afraid to become a failure.
i need to consult.
but even asking for help is hard to do.
i'm gonna die with all the pressures i have in my head.

the deserving ones

Date:
u n k n o w n

sometimes i get really mad
because faith is never too kind to me
i really want to be upset
to throw my anger
to release my pent up frustration
at other people because i'm not as lucky as they are
that i always have to taste the bad smell
i wanna cry because life is unfair
but those thoughts and wants come with another thought
that i don't deserve to be mad
that i don't deserve to cry
that i don't deserve to complain
because i never try hard enough
people work harder than me
and i don't deserve to be upset when i work less harder
i don't deserve blame anyone because this is my fault
i should blame myself
because faith couldn't side with me
i don't deserve to be mad
because i'm not good enough to feel the emotions
people can whine about unfairness
because they're not me

a tiny bit of me

Date:
u n k n o w n

i can always find the kind of people like me in the most random youtube video at 2am in the morning 

i can find the kind of me lurking on twitter at midnight 

i can find the kind of me at the bookstore looking for an unsealed book to read 

i can find the kind of me sitting by themselves at the cinema 

i can find the kind of me at the public transportation in the heat of the day 

i can find the kind of me at the convenient store genuinely struggling to pick between two almost similar products 

i can find the kind of me getting lost in the downtown walking with a maps on on the phone 

i can find people in every corner of the town and get reminded of the
tiny bit of myself

Hina

Date:
u n k n o w n

aku bukan orang yang rela berkorban demi orang lain

aku dilahirkan sebagai seorang pengecut 

jika aku adalah karakter dalam film, 

maka aku adalah dia yang akan berlari menjauh dari marabahaya 

dan tak menoleh sedikit pun ke teman-teman yang ia tinggalkan 

membiarkan mereka habis oleh perangkap itu 

melihat mereka tumbang demi orang lain, 

mengkambing hitamkan diri atas nama persatuan, 

menghabiskan tenaga dengan harapan ditukar kebebasan bersama. 

aku sulit memahami semua itu 

sangat buruk sifatku ini 

akulah jenis manusia yang tak pantas dibalas kebaikan 

karena manusia seperti akulah gang akan menusuk setiap mereka dari belakang 

akulah jenis manusia seperti itu 

hina