Outside The Line

February, 17th 2016
11:32

     She's the type of person who always try to stay on the line. Obey the rules, do not take risks, live normally. The naive her always think that she's living a good live, living under control with clean history, being the obedient kid that is her. This is the life that she should reminisce properly.

     The older her couldn't really agree with that anymore. 

     For the past several months she realized that she's too bored of the daily obligation that she has to do everyday. Everything seems so flat and dull. Everything seems black and white. No color. No brush to paint on the canvas either.

     She's living a good life but she's tired being obedient. She's tired of walking on the straight line. Walking on the same path every single day. Watching everything looks so colorful outside the line but couldn't seem to reach it, let alone to even feel it. For once, she feels the urge to cross the line. To grab a brush and paint her own color in her own canvas on the straight line she has walked on for the past years. 

     But she's quite aware of her own weakness. Weakness that prevent her from stepping outside. Weakness that she hates to call it weakness but found no other better words to describe it.

     She doesn't take risks. She doesn't have the guts to endanger herself  taking a risky step. She gotta need someone to grab the brush for her and paint for her in the straight line. And she just have to watch and feel satisfied with it. But that sounds more like a wishful thinking.

     She's trained to stay safe. Don't make unnecessary moves. And that's why she doesn't know how to help her own self, to defend herself. She's used to get a helping hand, a lot. Being told to just stay there. And being the obedient kid, she obeyed. If she disobey, she will have to do it herself. And she's not ready for that. 

     She wants to break the rule. Wants to know how does it feel to disobey. She has witnessed the fun of people who broke the rules and she kind of want to feel it too. And being a little lamb who got lost on the other side, learn how to survive. Experience the consequence and all. 

     She wants to cross the line, grab the brush and draw her own color, create a new line in her clean canvas, make as much lines as she can, and step from one line to the other line, drawing new color on every steps, and feel the fun that she has yearned for a long time. 

     She wants to escape from the black and white that is her world. 

Short Essay For A Better Feeling (the tittle is pretty much longer than the essay itself)

Makassar, February, 2nd 2016
00:34

      People find motivation and inspiration to do something through things expected and unexpected. Some people feel moved or inspired when they're in a beautiful and peaceful place. Some people find it when they're with someone they feel comfortable around or they love. Some people find it after they walk around in some places and see something that click their mind. Some when they've been stucked in the toilet for hours. Some when they feel a huge emotion going through themself and eating them alive with thoughts, good or bad. 

      The last one is me. 

      I feel moved to write something whenever I feel sad, feel hurted, feel torn between two thoughts, feel puzzled, and other not-so-good emotions to feel. I always have the urge to write something whenever I feel not good about myself, and that's quite upsetting. Most of the time I refused to write what I feel when I had the urge to do it at times like this because I don't really like sharing my bad experience to other people. It makes me look pity. But honestly, what else I could do to let this thought away from myself if not by writing this down? I'm not one to share personal thoughts with people, either. So sometimes I let my guards down and just go to work and finish the messy writing I created under a gloomy feeling. 

      Most of the time it just left unfinished because I don't even like it in the first place.

      As in right now, I honestly don't know what I want to talk about. I just feel so upset and I want to pour the feeling on something. And writing, it is. I still don't know what to talk about. 

      Right now I'm listening to Younha singing on youtube while writing this. I've been listening to many good songs from good singers for hours. Younha, Sohyang, Ailee, Hyolyn, Song Sohee, Jo Sumi etc. Some of those great singers that you all shoould look up to. And it's one of the way to not feel like I'm wasting time because my ears are blessed for hours, good feeling. Good feeling that clouded in a bad thoughts.

      And now I've just get scolded by my mother for stay up late. I really need to sleep. I've stayed up late for days. And Mom doesn't appreciate it. Me too. But these thoughts are attacking crazily at times like this everyday and I couldn't bring myself to sleep. It's hard. And Mom doesn't understand. She just wants me to sleep. And I'm gonna sleep now. 

      I feel better after writing this down. This is an absurd writing, but surely has beneficial goal. And it's to make me feel alright and get some senses to my sleepy head. I'm gonna sleep now. For sure.

       Good night.