aku akan baik-baik saja

November, 28th 2016
15:19

Aku membuka lembaran baru dalam hidupku

Dengan keberhasilan yang hanya kebetulan

Dengan keputusan yang tanpa pikir panjang

Dengan pikiran yang bercampur aduk

Aku mengikuti alur yang samar-samar ujungnya

Yang tidak pasti kemana akan mengiringku

Yang memberikanku tantangan baru

Yang membuatku berpikir ulang tentang hidup

Hidup yang aku jalani

Hidup yang bukan orang lain jalani

Pikiran untuk melarikan diri membuatku berbelok

Untuk memilih jalanku sendiri

Meninggalkan segala kemewahan yang dijanjikan kepadaku

Yang nyatanya tidak pula membuatku merasa mewah 

Atau mungkin aku hanya tidak sabaran

Namun aku berbelok

Ke arah kemana aku berada sekarang

Perasaan ragu, cemas, takut akan masa depan mengiringi

Terus menghantui hatiku yang masih kurang percaya dirinya


Namun satu hal yang pasti

Aku tidak pernah menyesal memilih alur ini

Alur yang aku tentukan sendiri

Alur baru yang aku buat

Aku tidak menyesalinya

Aku bangga telah memilihnya


Aku tidak ingin kembali

Tidak ada perasaan seperti itu

Aku lega

Aku akan baik-baik saja

Aku akan baik-baik saja

Aku akan baik-baik saja

im back at it again with my never ending problem

Makassar
October, 23rd 2016

     I'm gonna tell you one of my complex.

     I used to be very confident with my body. I'm not exactly in a good shape, though. Not even close, I think. I'm too thin to be called ideal. I'm underweight. And I'm tall, which makes it so obvious that I look so thin. My body is not your typical ideal body type.

     No.

     But I'm all fine with that. I'm confident.

     I believe this is not anorexia. I'm not obsessed with being thin and starve myself so I'm not gonna gain weight. I'm okay with gaining weight (I wish it could happen), but I just never gain weight, I don't know why. It's just, I'm confident with how I look is all. 

     I was confident even when many people told me that I was too thin. But that's not the problem. I never took people's saying by heart and stay being confident. Not until a friend's mother told me the same thing. She told me the same thing, but something suddenly clicked in me. She didn't just tell me casually about that, she was wondering how can I be so thin and walk around confidently, it was all obvious on her face. That's what I caught.

     And then it hit me. People don't like my appearance. People looked at me weirdly. People looked at me with this confused eyes. And I suddenly became very aware of myself. It striked in in a matter of seconds. I don't look good in their eyes. I look concerning in their eyes.

     And with that, all my confidence crushed down just like that. It lost in a matter of seconds. I took a look at myself in the mirror. Took a proper look on myself. Tried to see myself from other people's point of view. And all I could see was negativity, bad thoughts invaded. Judges. I looked like a walking skeleton. I have no cheeks. My collarbone looked too obvious it sticked out so much it looked scary. My wrists were too small and they didn't look good in my eyes anymore. The good looking me were all gone.

     I was fine with that. I believed I had no problem with that. But it was all suddenly look bad with the change of my perspective of my body and the lost confidence. I became too aware of others thought about me all of a sudden and that was suck. I was confident before, now it's all gone. I feel so bad about myself and it did change my behavior.

     I started wearing long sleeve shirts that would cover my unhealthy looking wrists until half of my fingers. I started wearing oversized shirts so that I won't come out looking too skinny to other people. I stopped exposed too much skin when I used to do it a lot. I felt insecure when I gaher with my friends and talk about private stuffs.I kepr thinking about what would others think of me and suffer myself to no end. I suddenly hate slumber party and other stuffs that require sleeping together with other people in the same room. I literally lost all the confidence I had before and it changed me a lot.

     Because I'm too thin I lost hope on getting liked by some guy 'cause guys won't like a walking skeleton girl. I hesitant doing some activities that I want to do when it requires stay for several nights at some places, and stop mid way. I keep looking in the mirror thinking how unattractive I look.

     I feel sorry to myself for losing confidence that was pretty much very important to me. My thin body has became my complex and I hope I could change that. I should fix my eating habit first.

     I really don't like talking about my deficiency like this. But I'm not telling this to other people so my diary and blog are all I have to tell this to. I promised muself I will stop letting negative thoughts barge in again in my head after this. I've done so well these past months, I'm not gonna ruin that anymore. I've tried so hard. It's hard to fight for yourself, but I shouldn't stop. Not like this.

     I think I have had enough.

 

is it not okay to be an ordinary person?

Makassar, October, 14th 2016
19:57

Extraordinary. 

Being extraordinary. 

Is it make you weird if you don't have the desire to be one?

Weird.

Maybe it makes me weird.

I feel weird.

Being extraordinary promises you many things. 

Fame.

Recognition.

Appreciation.

Pride. 

Friends.

Challenge.

More chances.

More helps.

So much more and some people still don't want that.

Why people don't?

 Some people who don't want that think otherwise.

 

Being extraordinary seems too luxurious.

Being extraordinary seems too far.

Being extraordinary is an exaggeration.

Extraordinary is weird. 

Weird in a good way.

But so does ordinary.

Being ordinary makes you simple.

Being ordinary appreciates little things you have.

Being ordinary serves you world peace.

Being ordinary gains you self-focus.

Ordinary makes you feel wonderful being ordinary.

Ordinary makes you yourself.

Is it not okay to be an ordinary person?

Thinking being ordinary is okay is weird,

but thinking being oxtraordinary is crucial is nonchalant.

You never know.

You probably need someone ordinary to make you learn.

You probably need someone extraordinary to make you move.  

It's reciprocal.

If anyone decide to be extraordinary,

where would you find peace in this world?

Everyone can be extraordinary,

but some people decide not to be one. 

And is that not okay?

Does everything have to be extraordinary?

Is it like an injunction to the society?

A verbal norm?

I get it but do not at the same time.

But one thing bothered me,

how do you define extraordinary actually?

Settled and Good

Makassar, September, 11th 2016
08:09

A comeback.

It's been months since the last time I posted something in this blog. Everything happened in the past four months passed like a blur but they're clear in mind. What's important is that I'm happier now, better, relieved. I've passed a challenge that I risked to take and it felt good. The feel of floating is still there but it's a part of process. It'll be gone soon.

One thing that I learned from everything I've been through is that I just have to go through it, thoroughly. No hesitation. Then with that I will find out how's the end of the road. It's either a good or a bad thing. But let's think about it later. I'm still on the way to figure out. 

A happier me is becoming more excited of things I never really excited to. Stay outside, for example. 

I've made it obvious that I love my bedroom a little bit too much and I miss it like it's my safest place to hide (in fact, it is). 

Nowadays, going home after college feels so boring. When our class finished, I always hope some friends or family would ask me out to go somewhere fun, whether to eat or to walk around only. As long as I get someone drive for me, because I don't have my own vehicle yet I hope I could go out on my own.

I usually (most of the time) will reject my father's invitation to hang out in an instant. These days, I will consider it deeply before giving answer. Yes to family-only hang out and (sometimes) No to have-fun-with father's-friends hang out. 

My parents also seems to get bored already by me asking 'do you plan to go out today?' or 'are you going somewhere today?' everyday. Isn't that a good change? I'm the one asking. Wow. An achievement.

We went to a festival event last night. It was also the one my friend recommended before and it's a huge event, she said. It is. And I was happy going there. I feel so light the burden on my shoulder and mind is lifted. Even though my mother could be such a pain in the ass with all her nagging and complaint because festival event literally isn't made for her. Mother doesn't like walking a lot. Meanwhile father and I could walk from one end to the other end without feeling grumpy all the time.

One reason why my father and I like to attend festival event like this. We could take the brochure from booths for free.

I'm not one to capture a moment or situation I'm in. That's my father's job. He captures everything he sees that worth the phone memory capacity, I don't. I see, I capture them in my head, and that's it. Even though most of the time the memory will fade away (that's what cameras are for here).

But last night, I felt like capturing everything and I did. Surprisingly. Maybe because of the views, or situation, why does it matter. In the end, I saved more that 50 pictures and even though some of them are a blur pictures I have no intention to delete them. They all look beautiful I feel like a professional photographer even though I know camera filter took a big part on it. Lol.

When we're arrived we were greeted by a bunch of marching band kids in the middle of the streets, they're cute. And I it excited me already when I saw those flags. It was almost maghrib so, the sun set.

 

And so I insisted that I want to get inside of the place which my parents couldn't reject and so we tried to barged in the main gate but the security said only VIP visitors could enter through this gate but we used 'we want to pray maghrib' as an excuse so we got in, haha (not lying tho, it was almost maghrib time).

And yay for me for getting this perfect spot to take the flags picture.

 

It was already dark when we were done praying. And when I thought that we won't be seeing anything much at night, I was wrong.  We could actually see a lot more beautiful lights in the night. And I couldn't help not to capture them. My phone almost ran out of memory capacity because I took a lot.

These are one of my favorite take.

 

My favorite corner, drawing art corner :3

 

I felt the happiest when I found them LOL. My superhero.

 

:D

 

The stamp on my thin hand   

I like this calmer side 

 

Blur pictures that I refuse to delete cuz they look dreamily pretty :c

I LOVE ALL THESE LIGHTS

 

lol wth

Basically what the event is called

Another flags. I love this flag rows along the festival street

 

And LOL, me taking a quick absurd selfie in the middle of the crowds. idek. It just felt like it won't be 'afdol' without one self photo. I didn't even try to make a proper one. But anyway, when do I?

I want to take a picture under this star but I didn't :c

I don't know where to share these photos. I kind of want to spam on my socmed but my high self-consciousness feel too occupied on what would people think of me spamming photos taken by an amateur.

So I posted it here. And also as the sign of my current condition after several months of deep self-thoughts. Not something serious. But I was having a quite huge internal conflict and I almost ran away from the thought again. But I didn't, and made a choice. It was all settled and good. 

The thought of taking the wrong step is undeniably keep haunting, but I think I need to start stop thinking about that and make sure that I choose the right step.

I'm not someone to ask for someone's assurance so I have to assure myself alone. I'm gonna find out if that would work or not.

I don't know what am I talking about. This is like my other posts but with a brighter feeling aaaaand, I always suck at ending a post so I'm just gonna end it like this. Thanks for reading. I'll start writing more here again :)

And keep this current feeling and condition this way.




Meg.

Persepsi

April, 23rd 2016
22:51

Berlatih tetap berpikir positif itu... susah banget. 

Susah banget demi Tuhan dan alam semesta. 

Susah banget kalau yang numpuk di kepala masih banyak.

Susah banget kalau tekanan sana-sini masih mendominasi pikiran.

Susah banget kalau mikirin orang yang seharusnya ngerti malah menjadi yang paling gak ngerti sama sekali.

Susah banget kalau nyari tempat curhat pun harus mikir seribu kali dulu.

Susah banget kalau mikirin ternyata gak ada yang benar-benar bisa dijadiin tempat curhat.

Susah banget kalau mikirin ternyata tempat curhat banyak tapi kamunya aja yang gak mau membuka diri.

Susah banget kalau kamu mikirnya waktu orang lain terlalu berharga untuk dikorbanin ke kamu.

Susah banget kalau bersyukur aja rasanya susah.

Susah banget kalau mikirnya kamu terlalu menyedihkan untuk menjadi sedikit positif.

Ya ampun..

Otak kamu sudah terkontaminasi berapa lama?  

Kenapa bawaannya negatif semua?

Karena isinya negatif semua, maka ayo dipositifkan dulu.

Berlatih berpikir positif itu sebenarnya gampang.

Gampang kalau yang numpuk di kepala dikeluarin satu-satu.

Gampang kalau gak semua hal dianggap tekanan dalam diri. 

Gampang kalau orang yang gak ngerti dibuat mengerti.

Gampang kalau mikirnya semua hal bisa dijadiin tempat curhat. 

Gampang kalau egonya dikurangin dikit.

Gampang kalau mikir setidaknya 2% dari waktu seseorang pantas buat kamu.

Gampang kalau mikir segalanya yang dimiliki adalah lebih dari cukup. 

Gampang kalau mikirnya kamu juga bisa mengeluarkan aura positif dari dalam diri seperti orang lain.

Gampang kalau kamu gak baper terus.

Sebenarnya gampang.

Tapi dibuat susah.

Sebenarnya gak susah.

Tapi disusah-susahin.

Jika suatu hal yang kurang menyenangkan bisa kamu anggap positif, maka itu akan menjadi positif.

Semuanya hanyalah masalah persepsi.


 Jadi kamu mau ngapain sekarang?

A Drabble of Ruby & Tom

.

"I'm going to Vienna next friday."

"What?"

"I'm going to Vienna next friday."

"You?"

"Yes. Me. Tom. I clearly said it." 

"You? Why?"

"What do you mean why? You sound like I can't go there."

"I only asked why, you sensitive woman. That's so sudden."

"I'm not sensitive! And I'm not a woman, woman!"

"You just screamed like a girl. And put your finger down, that's rude."

"Two months we've known each other and I haven't ever heard you talking nice to me, that's sad."

"You're being rude with your action, and I'm with my words. We're even."

"Why do we always have to bicker everytime we talk? This is honestly so tiring."

"Because you always exaggerate everything I said and get hurt. Now tell me what are you doing in Vienna."

"Didn't know you're actually curious about it."

"Wipe that grin off of your face, ugly."

"Hey! Many people adore this face. It's a wonder why it doesn't work on you, though. Are you probably gay? -Ouch! Hey! Don't hit me. STop! Ah!" 

"It's because I'm still very sane to not fall for your stupid charm, you dumbass! It would be such a pain to like someone like you."

"You're so violent to me. My mom wouldn't like it if she knows her precious son is getting abused everyday by his very own girl friend."

"Well, yeah. Sorry for that, mama boy. I'll try not to hit your head next time if you say something stupid again. And stop whining. It's not like I hit you that hard." 

"In my defense, you hit me with a man power. You always do! Were you perhaps a man in your past life?! You were probably an executioner with toned muscles and six packs and a jumbo sword in your right hand ready to slash someone's head."

"Wow.. that would be so cool. And you're probably a spoiled little girl with pink stuffs who doesn't want to let go of her mommy's hand on her first day of school, HAHAHAHAHA- AKH! SHIT YOU'RE PUSHING ME?!!"

"WHY?! IT HURTS? I THOUGHT YOU'RE A MAN IN YOUR PAST LIFE. TAKE IT LIKE A MAN- AKH!"

"AISH! Why are you the guy in this when you're obviously acting like a total girl.."

"You hit me again.."

"Because you deserve it. I only ask one question and you're being too happy about it and teasing me. You're at fault."

"Ruby is a beautiful name but you really showed no representation about the beauty of it."

"Forget it. Let's not talk about your trip anymore."

"Okay, okay. I'll stop being annoying and tell you. Can't believe you're sulking right now-"

"I'm not sulking!"

"-so my father is being invited to join his boss annual trip and this time they'll go to Vienna. His boss said they have to bring one person with them just in case. And since Rex is preparing for his college entrance exam right now and Lisa is being the super busy vice president as always, I was choosen as the person to accompany my father, hehehe."

"Since you're the least busy among you three siblings."

"You make it sounds like I'm a jobless person."

"Sensitive as always, aren't you? Well, take your time. Maybe I also need to take a rest for a while while you're gone. I feel like getting old faster having your presence around me for the past months-"

"Hey!"

"-maybe I should start making plan of having fun without you. How long the trip will be?"

"Tch. As if it'll be fun without me. It's seven days. Take your time missing me and begging for my comeback after the third day I left you."

"I'm not gonna miss you, you're annoying and you're an asshole."

"Aww~ You sound like an upset girlfriend who doesn't want her boyfriend to leave her but too shy to admit it, heheh- OUCH! HEY!"

"In your dream, Mr. Tom. Find other girl to tell her that and she'll be all flustered and hot but that's definitely not me. And don't hug me again. You're smelly."

"You'll be the first one to run into me and hugging me tight when I come back anyway. You don't have to make it looks like you really want me disappear and never come back."

"Stop saying things like that. You make it sounds like I'm so desperate for you."

"But everyone act like that but you.."

"What?"

"What? Nothing. Anyway, what do you want me to get you from Vienna? I've asked my siblings and Lisa said she wants me to bring her home one of the hot guy there that she could date. How ridiculous."

"Then bring two. One for Lisa and one for me."

"No way! Anything but that. Come on, tell me."

"Pft, you said anything but it's not anything."

"I'm just worried they would be terrified if I bring them to someone so violent like you."

"Forget it! Just go and don't comeback anymore."

"At times like this you really look like a normal girl. Get sulky and looking cute.."

"For God's sake, stop talking to me like that. Other people might take it the wrong way if you keep talking like that."

"Aish! Why is it so hard talking with you?! Just answer my question and problem solved that's all."

"Tch, fine. Hmm..."

"........."

"........."

"........."

"Take a picture with the first receptionist you talk to in the hotel you stay at and send me the photo as a proof that you've done it."

".....W-what?"

"Ah, no no no. Print out the photo you take with them and give it to me once you arrived back here. That would be your souvenir for me."

"Wait-" 

"You have to tell the receptionist to smile widely and be sincere, alright? Make the photo looks good. Say 'cheese' if it's necessary."

"What????"

"What? You heard me right and clear."

"Are you kidding me???"

"....no?"

"WHY DO I HAVE TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH A HOTEL RECEPTIONIST IN A COUNTRY I BARELY KNOW??!"

"...because I told you to?.."

"WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO DO THAT??? WHY CAN'T YOU ASK SOMETHING MORE SIMPLE AND RATIONAL?!"

"It's rational, though?"

"FROM WHICH PART?"

"You don't want to do it?"

"No, I'm not doing it. It's embarrassing!"

"It's surprising hearing it from you. You're usually shameless."

"HEY!"

"Where's your confidence go, though? You usually are so confident doing everything. What is this?"

"B-but.. I heard people there are not that friendly, though.."

"Are they?"

"I don't know. Why are you so weird, though? Asking me something crazy this. You're more ridiculous than Lisa."  

"I thought it's not something so hard for you  to do. I'm surprised you refused to do it."

"Because it'll probably creep them out!"

"Well, that's my request for you. I don't know much about Vienna though, so I don't know what to ask to get. You want to do it or not, it's up to you."

"You're unbelievable!"

"Hmm.... You would be so cool if you do it. A very cool guy. Way cooler than who you already are. The coolest of all."

"I'm not falling for it. You suck!"

(Later on, on saturday morning in her bedroom, Ruby found herself laughing so hard at the picture Tom just sent her until her stomach hurted and eyes prickled with tears. It's been a long time since the last time she laughed that hard and she thought it feels nice).

 

Sedikit Gila dan Sedikit Random

Makassar, April, 15th 2016
17:19

  

     It's friday afternoon. 17:27 (Yeah, I spent 8 minutes to type this). It's the time where I usually snuggled on the bed in my bedroom after an exhausted day in campus (I only have one class in friday anyway but the long drive to the campus could make it exhausted even though I'm not the one driving, yeah). 

     With a pack of Pocky strawberry stick, a bottle of milk tea, potato chips that I haven't tasted, poor wifi (I'm not lucky today), and a friend of mine, I'm sitting in one of the seats in my new discovery place (a place to run to if I ever want to ditch class) doing my assignments that seems to never end. The sounds of vehicle's incessantly honking could be heard from this second floor and a ray of sunset dashing on my face, I probably turned orange colored right now. I'm in a good atmosphere right now. The air feels nice and a little bit hot, and everyone around me looks busy on their own that it makes a bit quiet despite the sound of those vehicles on the road. If I decided to take place inside the room earlier and sit there for hours, I must've felt nauseous right now.

     I'm not the aesthetic type of person. I don't take picture and make it look good. I don't usually take picture from the best angle, either. But adding some filters might help somehow. And that picture above is one of my best attempt. I would want to make the picture of Pocky looks tumblr-ish and aesthetically pleasing (yeah) but the quality of a camera takes a big part of making one and my phone camera is not the best type of camera, so. 

      I'm not the type to take picture of everything since the beginning anyway. If only my eyes could capture everything I see everyday and save it, that would be good. Eyes are the best camera, they said. But my memory isn't that good to keep them all saved in my head. That's why human made camera and the storage room card. To keep the memory lasts longer in a form of jpg. file.

     Few months ago in early 2016, I told myself that I would post at least two articles in my blog every months. And when I realized it's already a half month of April, I decided to write one today. Actually I couldn't manage to do it. But since I've finished with one of my assignments (and the rest are waiting in the line~), I decided to make one since I'm taking a rest now and the atmosphere is just this good and relaxing, kinda. 

      18:05 in the evening and the skies are starting to get dark. One of the employee here are cleaning the empty tables and the lamps are turned on. I'm still waiting for my friend to finish her essay (which I haven't done because my body and soul couldn't cooperate anymore). And several minutes ago I decided to take some pictures again, thanks boredom. 

     That's me. Lmao. With no expressions. And some ugly filters. But that's some kind of pictures that I like to take. Straight (almost emo) face and head tilted to the side, eyes focused on the phone screen. And filter addition adjusted with the emotion the moment the picture is taken. Some people don't want to take pretty pictures because they don't want to think that it's pretty but the others think it's not. Stupid kind of thought but it could be burdensome so it's better not to do it. Self-confidence is important.

     Other than that, I prefer to make silly faces when taking picture. It's funny and ugly at the same time. And I have to feel terrified many times (I hope it's not to the point to be terrorized). Why am I doing this to myself? It sounds sad to be silly alone.

But sometimes you just have to be stupid to humor yourself. Even though other people are better at it, it's not everytime I hang out with people. Gotta find a friend I can be silly with for real. I miss my high school best friends.

     My palms are so sweaty right now. I don't know why. I think I'm in the middle of wanting to go home or stay until late night, at least until this writing finished. But probably that's not the case. 

I don't exactly feel hot, because the weather is fine. But my palms are slippery. And I'm pretty sure it will get sticky when they dried up. I'm not gonna like it.

Maybe I need to go home. 

     It's 18:41 right now. It's dark. And it's starting to get cold. The vehicels are still very noisy. Will I get a public transportation at this hour, though? Is this why my palms are sweaty? No no no I don't get scared by that. I will still get one even if I go home up to 8 o'clock. 

     I'll post one more picture before I end this. Before I change my mind, hahaha.

      Good evening! Ppyong~!

  

Formal Post

March, 15h 2016
17:30

     Setelah sekian lama, saya akan mencoba untuk menulis dalam bahasa Indonesia lagi.  Surprisingly, terakhir kali saya menulis sesuatu dalam bahasa Indonesia di blog ini adalah dua tahun yang lalu (mungkin pengecualian untuk postingan cerpen Lonely Beaut). Jujur saja, saya memilih untuk 'berekspresi' lewat tulisan menggunakan bahasa Inggris adalah karena saya merasa lebih nyaman menggunakan bahasa lain selain bahasa ibu. Curhat menggunakan bahasa sehari-hari terkadang membuat saya cringed (saya tidak tahu bagaimana membahasakan cringe ke dalam bahasa Indonesia), istilahnya seperti kamu menonton film romance yang terlalu lebay dan itu membuatmu meringis dan mengerutkan kedua alismu. Ya, mungkin meringis adalah kata yang tepat.  

    Menggunakan saya, aku, atau gue juga sering menjadi pertimbangan yang agak berat buat saya ketika menulis. Menggunakan kata ganti saya membuat saya terdengar terlalu formal (bagian Cinta yang bunyinya 'Rangga yang kamu lakukan ke saya itu.. jahat' di trailer AADC 2 membuat saya memilih kata ganti saya kali ini). Menggunakan kata ganti aku terdengar terlalu menye, dan menggunakan kata ganti gue terdengar terlalu informal dan santai. Pada akhirnya, saya memilih kata ganti saya karena saya tidak mau terdengar menye maupun terlalu informal malam ini. 

    

     Dalam cerita-cerita pendek yang saya buat sendiri saya biasanya menggunakan kata ganti aku untuk karakter perempuan dan kata ganti gue untuk karakter laki-laki. Penulis Winna Efendi dalam novelnya yang berjudul Refrain menggunakan konteks seperti itu dan saya memutuskan bahwa saya menyukai konteks yang sama.

      Saya bukan orang Ibu Kota, saya tinggal di daerah Sulawesi. Saya tidak menggunakan bahasa dan logat Ibu Kota sebagai bahasa keseharian. Maka dari itu saya lebih berhati-hati dalam berkata-kata di media sosial (saya lebih sering menggunakan bahasa santai orang Jakarta), karena mungkin saja saya mengatakan sesuatu yang tidak dipahami orang kebanyakan atau saya salah mengartikan kata yang biasa dipakai orang Ibu Kota. Hal ini membuat saya seringkali enggan mengeluarkan pendapat yang lebih mendalam. Menggunakan bahasa baku mungkin lebih mudah, namun kenyataannya menggunakan bahasa baku akan lebih sulit apabila kita kekurangan kosakata. Dan itulah yang terjadi pada saya (satu alasan lagi mengapa saya lebih nyaman menggunakan bahasa Inggris).

    Seringkali saya harus mengandalkan Google atau KBBI untuk memastikan keraguan saya mengenai beberapa kosakata yang sering digunakan orang awam sebelum menulis caption atau meng-update status. Biasanya paling sering pakai Twitter search karena lebih umum (penggunanya banyak) dan lebih less formal. Untuk menulis seperti ini pun saya harus banyak-banyak berpikir keras untuk menemukan kata yang tepat untuk mengungkapkan apa yang ingin saya katakan (I think I've said this before). Sebelum mengeluarkan pendapat, saya juga sering mencari dulu apakah ada yang sebenarnya sependapat dengan saya dan apakah kata-kata yang akan saya publish ini sudah pantas untuk saya publikasikan.

      Saya sadar bahwa kaya akan kosakata itu penting. Apalagi untuk orang yang hobi nulis kayak saya. Membaca banyak novel tentu saja sangat membantu. Tetapi saya sedikit banyak kurang merasa tertarik lagi membaca novel semenjak saya mengenal fanfiction, and in english language. Sekarang saya membaca fanfic tiap hari seperti saya membaca novel tiap hari beberapa tahun yang lalu. Sehingga saya menjadi lebih nyaman membuat cerita dalam bahasa Inggris daripada bahasa Indonesia. Dan saya butuh cerita dalam bahasa Indonesia untuk di-publish setidaknya satu atau dua kali dalam setahun. Maka dari itu saya mulai membujuk diri saya lagi untuk mulai membaca novel lagi. Saya punya lima novel baru di rumah, dan PR saya adalah menyelesaikan membaca novel-novel tersebut.

     Life goal adalah setidaknya saya harus sampai pada pemikiran bahwa menulis dalam bahasa Indonesia itu tidak jauh lebih sulit dari menulis dalam bahasa Inggris. Dua-duanya harus imbang dan saya harus bisa merasa enjoy dalam mengerjakan tulisan saya tanpa ada rasa beban. Stuck dalam beberapa tahap mungkin wajar, tapi itu tidak harus membuat saya berhenti melanjutkan apa yang saya tulis. That Mindset 'Writing it in English seems easier' tidak harus dihilangkan, tapi tidak boleh mempengaruhi saya dalam berusaha untuk menulis dalam bahasa Indonesia.

Things I Like About Myself

March, 3rd 2016
20:45

I’m not the most confident person in the world. I’m actually one of the worst. I’m fully aware of my lacking, and I don’t really like the negativity I have in me about mysef. I always talk about myself in a negative way, and this blog is the exact proof of it. I’ve written many posts talking about how sad my my life is. I could easily list down things I don’t like about myself without hesitation, but I’m always having a hard time mention things that I like or proud of about myself.

I don’t know being so negative about yourself could be so tiring. Yes, it’s a tiring job judging yourself every single day. It worn me out, physically and emotionally. Why people have to focus too much on the negativity they have. Me as someone who included as one couldn’t really understand it, either.

So I will do something that is very hard to do. I want to list down things that I actually like about myself. It’s either to make me feel better or to knock some senses into my head. World probably isn’t that cruel to me if I want to think about some positivity. I could just think of some unicorns jumping happily on clouds and rainbows or any other soft stuffs exist in this world. 

Things that I like about myself:

1. I like that I'm actually good in english. It’s like one of the best weapon I have. I’ve received plenty of compliments from my friends about my skill and I think have to walk back to the past to remember and reminisce those moments again because I never really feel so great when I’m being complimented by people. And for my english improvement, all thanks to my father. 
2. I like the fact that I love animals so much. Loving animals give me this affectionate feel towards something and it feels good. It makes me feel that something is actually worth to be protected. I will never understand human who even have the guts to hurt those precious things. 
3. I like that I'm actually could blend in pretty well with new classmates. Sometimes I could feel myself being more comfortable with stranger than people I’m close with. So I guess that explains all. 
4. I like that I'm easily feel touched. I’ve always been a soft-hearted person. I act all tough but I’m actually a softie in the heart. I get teary at the most simple thing happened sometimes it’s upsetting. But at least it makes me feel like a human. 
5. I like that I'm a cry baby. Because the feeling after crying is good, so I like it. At least I don’t have to hold back my tears as well. I’m not that strong. 
6. I like that I can sing quite well. LMAO I believe no ones agree to this. 
7. I like that I usually pretend that I don't care but actually try to understand things by myself. I’m not one to straight forwardly ask to something that I’m curious about. If I think I can find the answer by myself, then I make an effort for it. 
8. I like that I got chance to listen and appreciate good music in different languages. I used to be kind of racist to any other songs that is not Indonesian or English, until I got my karma. A karma that let me find good talents on amazing people that I will feel regret if I have never got to know them and help me extend my music reference/dictionary. No regret.
9. I like the fact that I’m quite tall. I’m only 161cm. This probably doesn’t count as tall but at least I’m not too short. Thanks puberty. At least you gave me one good thing that I can be thankful for. 
10. I like that I'm in love spending time in bookshop. Bookshop smells like heaven even though I don’t know how heaven smells like. But I like being surrounded and feel getting lost in the hundreds of books. 
11. I like that I've learned psychology for almost two years now. Psychology might not be my first choice. But learning psychology has helped me figure out many things that I’ve been so curious about for a long time, figure out things more about myself. I’ve got my answers. It’s not a waste at all. 
12. I like how I really love cute stuffs. Cute stuffs make me squeal like a little girl and happy. I want to be surrounded by cute stuffs and feel excited everytime I see them and being a happy little kid that I believe still stuck in my 19 years old body. Japan is life goal to me. 
13. I like how I love writing so much. I’m not talking too much. So I express everything that I feel through my writing. People won’t understand me through the way I talk, but they will do if they read my writings. 
14. I like that I live in a financially stable family. Not that rich but not poor either. I live as a hardcore fangirl, and there's always so many stuffs that makes me want to spend all my money for them. If I was a rich-ass daughter living in a mansion-like house, I would've spent all my money on those stuffs that actually not very beneficial for me. That thought is terrifying. Live as a person with calculation forced me to control what to buy and what to not buy, what is important and what is not. And it convince myself that those temptation stuffs shouldn't be worried and thought about.
15. I like that I like spending my time alone. No particular reason. But I feel safe whenever I’m alone.   
16. I like that I’m open to things that is unusual or what people think are ‘forbidden’. Many people admit that they’re open-minded, but screams in disgust and disbelief when they hear the word ‘gay’ ‘transgender’ ‘prostitute’ ‘illegitimate child’ or sorts. Open-minded, your ass. Try to understand their situation first before you call yourself open-minded. 
17. I like that I actually try to make effort to list down what I like about myself. I made my effort, didn’t I? It’s not easy, excuse me.

So those are some things that I think are likeable about me. I’m not sure if I’m feeling better about this but I’m glad I’ve finished this. I will back to this post and read it whenever I’m feeling down in the future. I probably will laugh so hard and cringe at the confidence I have to write this stuff. Self-praise is not my thing and that’s sad. 

Please kick me or anything if I’m about to delete this post in the future if I feel too embarrassed, haha.