Mixed

February, 19th 2015

21:24

     It’s 2015 and my life hasn’t changed at all. 

I’ve been hoping for changing since long time ago. I’ve been longing for a better life. I’ve been craving for motivation.

But nothing happened.

No effort. No result. No goals fulfilled.

If there’s one person that should be blamed, it must be me. Someone that don’t want to be blamed because everything seems so confusing to her.

What am I confused about? I don’t even know what am I confused about.

I know what I want. I know how to take it. I know what to do to make it a success. I know how to risk it. I know the consequences.

There’s nothing that really confused me.

It’s the result that scares me a lot.

Afraid of a lot of things. Upset by the old habit that still rule my body and mind.  Annoyed with myself that couldn’t be definite and be brave for once. 

     It’s frustating.

Knowing that you should do something when you feel so empty and bored of life but still didn’t do 

anything to fulfill the emptiness despite the laziness. It’s frustating.

And you do realized that the laziness (that old habit) gonna bring you to regretfulness in the future but still stay at the state you in right now. Frustating.

You do realized that you should step and move from your comfortable zone but afraid of everything that might happen if you do and not ready for consequences. Coward.

You do realized that time flies fast and you have no time to lazying around but you still repeat the same unproductive activities everyday.

And you have no effort to do something but your mind is killing you from all those thoughts that haunted you everytime, yet you stay still.

     Living in a fear of criticism because you never feel good enough and that what makes you afraid to voice out your opinion to the world.

Because you’re afraid that one critical comment will bring you down and makes you think of it everytime as if it’s a ghost haunting you every night.

And afraid that those critical comments will make you stop doing everything. 

      And you’re begging for a compliment for dear life because you rarely get one but once you get it you would take it as a joke and hardly believe in it because you doubt the sincerity.

You thought that everyone praise you, saying good things about you, only to make you feel good or worse, they pity on you.

Yet you’re still craving for compliments to make you feel better.

     You want to start a new day and change your life to a life you’ve been longing but you will still think that everyone are still better than you after all of your efforts.

The state when you think that you are useless to everyone and you are a trash. It’s frustating.

The promise that you broke said that you will be a better person tomorrow but you’re still the same you as yesterday.

You’re afraid to be a better person because your mind is full of those thoughts that everyone else will still be better than you after all.

You are no one compared to them. 

Those thoughts are frustating.

     But you know what is worse than all of that, it’s that you want to make your parents be proud of you but you feel like you can’t do anything to make them proud.

You feel like you’re not a child that can be proud of.

You feel like your parents weren’t so happy to have you as their child.

You feel like you’re ashamed to be a child of a great father and mother because you’re not like them.

The climax of my frustation.

     And do you know what’s more upsetting about this?

I haven’t even done anything yet I already talk too much and get scared of all these ‘What ifs’ lingering in my mind.

Confusion, laziness, cowardliness, sadness, fear, no confidence, and loneliness had brought me into this state. Frustation. 

     I’ve lived as a introvert for the rest of my life. And I’m a bit tired of it. I always want to be those people who could talk freely in front of the others without stuttering, those people who are confident enough to show their own side without feeling afraid of being judge, those people who could make friends easily and not awkward with others, those people who are brave to speak out a different opinion from others, those people that comfortable enough to be just themselves.

I want to be comfortable for being myself. But I think too much. I hate myself for thinking too much. But I can’t really do anything about it. 

     I want to get rid of these feelings that haunted me and made me exhausted. I don't wanna lost in confusion anymore. I wanna turn the table.

     

     It’s 2015 and I want to do something better.