Next Step

September, 21st 2014
10:06


     I just realized that I was too sappy in the previous post, lmao.
I could become so alay when I feel too emotional, but the imagination gone wild when I do, that's one positive thing about being emotional.

     'Woman always put their emotion first before their logic' couldn't agree more.

     Ah, it's not something about being emotional I want to talk about.
I woke up at 8 in the morning today and I felt like writing the moment I woke up. But I dont know what to say.
Last night, I thought of many things. I always being so thoughtful at midnight. The imagination runs smoothly and passionate. I wanted to write my thoughts here but mom didnt let me to stay up late, so I got to sleep early. And in the morning I forgot everything I want to write.
I'm screwed up once again.

     In the previous post I talked about how I really want my crush to know about my feeling. But things didnt go very well. Everything becomes stiff. passive. He's such a turn off all of a sudden. And we stop talk just like that. Like nothing ever happened between us (It's not like something had happened tho). It's just we were close back then. He was one of my closest coursemate. Even tho it didn't pass a month yet. I never get along with others very well. But he was being so nice to me. I was so thankful.

     But I took his kindness in another way. The next day I found that I put too much hope on him. That he could make become a cheerful one with pure feeling called love once again. That he could make me feel that someone actually want to take care of me. That he could make me forgot my past. Those damn feelings. They ruined everything. I shouldn't have liked him. We should've stayed in a circle of friends. We should've been a very good friends now ;)))))))))))

     We should have been..

     Since everything already messed up, and maybe I'm the only one who think a lot about this, let's do one last step when something didnt work well between you and your crush.

     Move on.

     히얏!!!!!!!!!

     Well, I meet him everyday. And I just don't want to suffering in the class until the next two months just because of him my feeling. So I should really forget about my feeling and let's make it up with him. Be friends again like we used to. But I know it's not an easy task. Given that I'm kinda unsure about start a convo with him. He's kinda scary tho (aha). I'm afraid that he won't respond so nice if I talk to him. And this maudlin heart will feel offended again.
I hate being easily feel offended. It makes me scared of everything.

     Ha..

     It was a short beautiful moment tho. I won't forget. But let's not keep it too deep in heart :)

     And I'll make sure that I won't be flustered anymore.

     우리 친구하자..

    

    

Wishful Thinking

September, 14th 2014
01:46



'Here's my dilemma
One half of me wants ya
And the other half wants to forget'

     For the first time ever this song officially represented my stupid feeling towards a guy who seems just like another 'him'. (I didnt give it a quotation mark like he's something unreal or mystic tho, lol).
It's just I dont usually had a crush on someone this deep so. (It's not even that deep but- shut up).

     If having a crush on someone charming, the one who has it all, and most likely everyone's fave is frustrating and tiring (it's like falling in love with your idol -who doesnt even know that you're exist-), then having a crush on someone with big gap of age difference with you is a thousand times more frustrating, more complicated, and sadder, like, really sad. The thought of he just sees me as a little kid, as his another little friend really scared me off. It's not impossible though, I'm too much younger than him. Inexperienced. Immature. Innocent (lol).

     'You're just a little kid to him' That's such a sweet lethal whisper before I sleep. Every night.

     At time like this, I really regret I was born to be a girl. Why do girls have to be so coward about this? About confessing their feeling towards a guy freely? gently? bravely?
Why do girls always have to think about the worst conditions first that might happen? Before they even try. Why always 'what if he doesn't like me back' 'what if he avoids me after I confessed to him?' 'what if this thing makes him uncomfortable?' 'what if he thinks I disgust him with my confession?' 'what if I couldnt take his rejection towards my feeling?' 'what if he laughed at me?' and another 'What If' continues..

     And also girls concern too much about other people thoughts. Like, 'people will think that I flirt with him' 'people will call me bitch' 'people will make fun of my stupid courage' 'lol bitch did you loose your pride or' 'lol she got rejected I pity her' 'why even try..'

     LOL girls.

     LOL me.

     I wish people were born without being judgemental towards the others.

     So what I'm trying to say is, I want him to know my feeling. Like, seriously. Lol, I'm serious :(. Can a girl confess her feeling without being judge? I dont even know who will judge me but thinking of this in such a young age really frustated me. Why am I inexperienced? Why am I too young for him? Why was I born so late? (rrr...) Why do I like him? (Why did he make me like him?)

     But instead of being judge by others, his reaction concerns me the most. Like, okay, I've talked too much. Let's dont say something inappropriate here, lol. It's not like I'll have such courage though :(

     Somehow I'm thinking.. I just dont wanna end up buried deep my feeling towards him like what I did to my past. It hurts a lot. It doesn't have to be happen twice. At least, seeing him respect my feeling for him would be fine. Seeing him still smile to me would be fine. Seeing him doesn't feel burdened of my feeling and still manage to talk to me would be fine, as well.

But then again, I'm still a coward..