Puzzled

December, 21st 2013
00:46


     Good very very very morning :)

     Tomorrow is mom's birthday and I really don't know what to do. Well, It doesn't seems like I always do something like giving her birthday cake, a surprise party or sort of things like that on her birthday but, I just feel like I have to do something this time.

     I have never being a good kid to my parents, and because now it's about my mom, then it's to my mom. Last year, I only wished her a happy birthday shyly, and clumsy. And last year I made her disappointed with my raport result.

     Well actually my raport result wasn't that bad. But mom expected me higher rank which I couldn't get it because I was in a pioneer class :(
 
     And today is my raport day, AND I'M SO FCKIN NERVOUS RN. I anticipated and expecting good results. Well, I need it. At least mom will be happy with that. But seeing my study for a half semester, I don't think I'll get a good rank. Last semester, I got rank 10th.

     CAN I JUST STAY AT RANK 10TH CAN I PLEASEEEEEE

     Amin.

     I'm talking nonsense right now because I'm a bit drunk. I cant sleep well actually I can but I just cant... sleep ! Insomnia is bothering sometimes. I'm thinking about this mom birthday and raport result and its actually make me mentally breakdown. Look at how I'm writing, my grammar is horrible.

     I plan to buy mom some things like clothes or birthday cake or what, and give her a little surprise party at midnight, or giving her my all savings to live our lifes...

     But I have no money.

     Being a poor kid is hurt. Too hurt that I can't live my life anymore. I wanna kms.

     B y e.

     .....................................................................

     Sorry, I'm being a drama queen now.

     I bet this birthday thingy will end up have a sweet clumsy dinner in Ayam Penyet Ria or Lesehan Pak Dani with dad treat, as always. Every year, in every birthday of us. If I could I want to treat this time.

     But I have no money.

     The phrase "Money can't buy happiness" is invalid sometimes. Money DO can buy happiness, you jerk for whoever said that phrase !! Money can make my mom happy because I can buy her new clothes or a happy birthday cake !!!!!!

     /sigh deeply/

     The life of me.

     You guys may wish me all the best because I totally feel worst now. Wish me I'll get a better score in raport and wish my mom could be more happy on her birthday this year :') Thank you.

   
   

Confused and All

December, 16^th 2013

1           > Parents’s wish

2           > Your wish

3           > Your ability

The only one problem in here is on number one.

My parents. They made me ended up into this program but after all they left all the choices on me. Which made me confused as hell.

If only I was in the program that I want, I won't be this confused right now, I mean everyday. I have all those ability in the other program but I just got into this program. I totally need help.

I asked my mom what faculty she wants me to take. But she just leave it up all for me. Isn’t it unfair ? She should at least have that one faculty for me to take. Well, she has. Medical faculty. Which I rejected in the first second I heard her desire.

I already have a choice. International relation. This is my wish faculty. But the faculty is just, not appropriate with my ability. I mean, lol, I’m such an introvert. Anti-social.

If it’s about my ability, English literature. But Mom forced it ! She just made this even hard. More confusing. I don’t know what to do. I was so sure about this one, but Mom forced it. I wont be a rebel for my parents, yes ?

Thinking about this seriously giving me headache. I think I’m the only one who has no intention to think about this future plan. Well, I do. I really do ! But how to make it easier ??? L

It’s a thousand times more confusing than my physic teacher.

My mentor just said, “If you’re really confused and about to die about this university thingy, have this thought and remember that all of your friends has the same confusion as you. Not only you.” This made me calm a bit.

We have the same pain at least.

Mom cant help that much, I know after this I have to ask Dad.

Still, I cant blame on them, right ?

Changed

December, 13th 2013

   
     I changed.

     I changed ?

     Do I changed ? Do I not changed ?

     I couldn't say that I changed. I also couldn't say that I didn't. I don't know how people thought on me.

     I don't know that being changed is a good thing or bad thing. A phrase said, "Everybody's changed". Is 'everybody' really mean everybody or just some people who strangely felt it ? Is the phrase just a prank ? Do all people change when they get older ?

     I always think that I've changed. I was all innocent back then. People said. But I'm being rude to my parents, and my bestfriends. There are some things that I would never do in the past and I just do it to them. Being a retard.

     I don't know with the rude thing but I'm just being a retard all the time. I don't know the reason why am I saying this but I just feel it that way.

     Feel changed.

     I wish I could change in a good way.

     I feel sorry to my friends who already seen my bad attitude. Such as this and that.

     You know, I'm just changed.

     Do I ?


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