Bond

Makassar, October, 4^th 2015

08:57

     When I was a kid, if I was asked who were closer to me, I will answer, “My dad”. Because Dad always make me happy, buy me things, bring me to playgrounds, make me join some drawing contests, and nicer than Mom. Because Mom had my brother to take care of. And people always said that I had my Dad’s feature and my brother had Mom’s. So it’s like an unspoken rule that I’ll do everything with my Dad, and my brother will stay with Mom. I was glued to my Dad like all the time. I was Dad’s little girl.

     When I was a teenager, if I was asked who were closer to me, I asnwered, “It’s Mom”. As I grew up, my relationship with Dad become a little awkward. I couldn’t be like I used to be anymore. I  couldn’t be so clingy to my opposite sex anymore, and I mean to my Dad. Probably because I started to learn things between man and woman, and I passed through my puberty, so I started to feel a bit shy towards Dad, which is so strange to me when I first felt it. And there were lots of boys out there.I had a crush, and Dad wasn't my only favorite anymore. 

     I think I could understand why some fathers out there don't want their daughters to grow up so fast. But I don’t know about my father. 

     And I felt closer to my Mom because we both are woman. I knew nothing about puberty and I was scared shitless back then. So Mom taught me about the unfamiliar phase to me. Even though in fact, Mom never really taught me about sex education. So I was still confused all the time, and I had to learn by myself. I’m still as scared as I was before. 

     Now, if people asked me who am I closer to, I realized that I don’t really like the question. If back then I always answered confidently to this, now I don’t know where does that confidence go. 

    If I come to think about it, I never really close to anyone in my family. I was so close to Dad, but that was when I was a little kid. I was always happy to have Dad as a company, because he shared stories, and I will listen. I cried for a toy, and he will buy me one. He spoke and I listened. But it’s rarely me doing the speaking and he listens. Whenever I tell Dad what I felt, it  wouldn’t be a big deal to anyone. Because I was just a kid. If I feel sad, Dad can just make me stop by promising me to buy this and that again. 

    I can’t remember if we really have some emotional attachment together. 

    Mom has always been an emotional talker in my family. When a family member has problem, Mom will be the one to comfort, giving advice, nagging, and a hug or kiss on the forehead as a cherry on top. I can see why my brother is so comfortble having Mom around, being the most talkative in the house, and so open to share stories when he wants to. The bond he has with Mom makes him a flexible and carefree person. Makes me envy that a lot. I want that attachment he got with Mom. 

     And until now rather than me, my brother is still the closest to Mom. Even though he’s busier outside, when he comes back he has Mom for himself again. My brother could tell Mom what has he done outside, how’s his friends doing, could whining at Mom, cuddle with Mom, and he teases Mom a lot. Like a fun son he is. But could be really annoying when he’s furious or upset. 

     I became closer to Mom after I hit puberty, but we don’t really do what Mom and her daughter usually do. Chat, cook together, share what’s inside our minds, throw jokes, shopping, we don’t share hugs (usually Mom will do the hugs but I’m too awkward to hug back), and everything that could be done together, we don’t do that. At least not always. Mom cares about me and I care about her but I realized that we never really bond together. Mom said that I’m too introverted. Create walls between me and everyone, keeping everything to myself, and she worries about me. She said I have to get everything that bothered me off of my chest. She asked me to tell her if I have problems. Don’t keep it. But I can’t help it. 

     And in the very end, I’m neither close to Mom nor Dad. Dad’s bright yet rigid personality made me become awkward to him as I’m growing up, and thus makes the attachment between us never complete. And it’s a bit too late to be closer to Mom. We can, but now it feels hard for me to be closer to anyone. 

     ‘m not gonna say that I didn’t get much love and affection from my parents. Hell, they always try to fulfill what I need, even though it’s something that it’s hard to get. And I could never thank them enough for that. For making me feel well off materially. And they love me so much I knew it. That’s something that shouldn’t be explained. But I just want to be closer to my parents, grow attachment that I feel like I never really have. And be like my brother, flexible and carefree. So I don’t have to envy those people who’s close to their parents and siblings. 

     And so I don’t have to choose between one of them about who am I closer to. I could choose both of them.