Makassar, October, 4th 2015
08:57
When I was a kid, if I was asked who were
closer to me, I will answer, “My dad”. Because Dad always make me happy, buy me
things, bring me to playgrounds, make me join some drawing contests, and nicer
than Mom. Because Mom had my brother to take care of. And people always said
that I had my Dad’s feature and my brother had Mom’s. So it’s like an unspoken
rule that I’ll do everything with my Dad, and my brother will stay with Mom. I
was glued to my Dad like all the time. I was Dad’s little girl.
When I was a teenager, if I was asked who
were closer to me, I asnwered, “It’s Mom”. As I grew up, my relationship with
Dad become a little awkward. I couldn’t be like I used to be anymore. I couldn’t be so clingy to my opposite sex
anymore, and I mean to my Dad. Probably because I started to learn things
between man and woman, and I passed through my puberty, so I started to feel a
bit shy towards Dad, which is so strange to me when I first felt it. And there
were lots of boys out there.I had a crush, and Dad wasn't my only favorite
anymore.
I think I could understand why some
fathers out there don't want their daughters to grow up so fast. But I don’t
know about my father.
And I felt closer to my Mom because we
both are woman. I knew nothing about puberty and I was scared shitless back then. So Mom
taught me about the unfamiliar phase to me. Even though in fact, Mom never
really taught me about sex education. So I was still confused all the time, and
I had to learn by myself. I’m still as scared as I was before.
Now, if people asked me who am I closer
to, I realized that I don’t really like the question. If back then I always
answered confidently to this, now I don’t know where does that confidence go.
If I come to think about it, I never really
close to anyone in my family. I was so close to Dad, but that was when I was a
little kid. I was always happy to have Dad as a company, because he shared
stories, and I will listen. I cried for a toy, and he will buy me one. He spoke
and I listened. But it’s rarely me doing the speaking and he listens. Whenever
I tell Dad what I felt, it wouldn’t be a
big deal to anyone. Because I was just a kid. If I feel sad, Dad can just make
me stop by promising me to buy this and that again.
I can’t remember if we really have some
emotional attachment together.
Mom has always been an emotional talker in
my family. When a family member has problem, Mom will be the one to comfort,
giving advice, nagging, and a hug or kiss on the forehead as a cherry on top. I
can see why my brother is so comfortble having Mom around, being the most
talkative in the house, and so open to share stories when he wants to. The bond
he has with Mom makes him a flexible and carefree person. Makes me envy that a
lot. I want that attachment he got with Mom.
And until now rather than me, my brother is
still the closest to Mom. Even though he’s busier outside, when he comes back
he has Mom for himself again. My brother could tell Mom what has he done
outside, how’s his friends doing, could whining at Mom, cuddle with Mom, and he
teases Mom a lot. Like a fun son he is. But could be really annoying when he’s
furious or upset.
I became closer to Mom after I hit
puberty, but we don’t really do what Mom and her daughter usually do. Chat,
cook together, share what’s inside our minds, throw jokes, shopping, we don’t
share hugs (usually Mom will do the hugs but I’m too awkward to hug back), and
everything that could be done together, we don’t do that. At least not always. Mom
cares about me and I care about her but I realized that we never really bond
together. Mom said that I’m too introverted. Create walls between me and
everyone, keeping everything to myself, and she worries about me. She said I
have to get everything that bothered me off of my chest. She asked me to tell
her if I have problems. Don’t keep it. But I can’t help it.
And
in the very end, I’m neither close to Mom nor Dad. Dad’s bright yet rigid
personality made me become awkward to him as I’m growing up, and thus makes the
attachment between us never complete. And it’s a bit too late to be closer to
Mom. We can, but now it feels hard for me to be closer to anyone.
‘m not gonna say that I didn’t get much
love and affection from my parents. Hell, they always try to fulfill what I
need, even though it’s something that it’s hard to get. And I could never thank
them enough for that. For making me feel well off materially. And they love me
so much I knew it. That’s something that shouldn’t be explained. But I just
want to be closer to my parents, grow attachment that I feel like I never
really have. And be like my brother, flexible and carefree. So I don’t have to
envy those people who’s close to their parents and siblings.
And so I don’t have to choose between one of
them about who am I closer to. I could choose both of them.
