February, 23th 2015
23:07
If this essay
gonna be done in a few hours, this will be another post about how ungrateful I
am about my life, about what I don’t have and what I want to have.
No. I wouldn’t
say that I’m ungrateful. I shouldn’t. Everyone shouldn’t. But sometimes I just
can’t help it. And I’m such a bastard for whining too much about my pitiful
life.
No. My life is
okay. I’m a grateful person. I’m okay.
I spend almost 60%
of my life in front of my computer. Sad truth. I feel sorry for my body and
soul for torturing myself a lot during these years because I’ve spent too much
time in front of the computer screen and slowly killed my self-system.
Spending my time watching
movies, watching my idols show their talents or just doing stupid things that
makes me laugh, searching for some good songs, reading fanfiction, writing, browsing
appropriate and –sometimes- unappropriate things (curiousty kills the cat, you
know) were never so bad. And whenever I told myself that I should stop and do
something more beneficial outside rather than wasting my time sitting at home like
an anti-social person (well, I am), this one phrase:
The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time
Will always cross
my mind and I will continue what I’m doing at the moment until the next
morning. Because I obviously enjoy ‘wasting time’ and it’s not called wasting
time if you enjoy it so I’m not wasting time. Aight? I’m okay with it. People hang
out with their friends to spend their time, and this is how I spend my time. I’m
okay.
Not really.
Kill your time by
browsing the internet all day is not enjoyable anymore when you suddenly get
into one person’s account (this is what you called stalking) and you
immediately become upset and envy of how someone’s life is so much better than
yours. When you know that some people are luckier than you when they posted
something about how they had fun spending their time with their cool friends,
when they travelled to some cool places,
when they got some new companies and got along well, when they went to their
faves concert, when they become a lucky fan, when they celebrated their
anniversary with their lovers, when they got a birthday surprise from their lovers,
when they just got a confession from someone, when their jokes can entertain everyone, when
they spend a great time with their family, when they said that they get along
very well with their brothers or sisters, when they were feeling down and
everyone will cheer them up and when
they’re getting bashed for being too lucky than anyone else.
After that moment
those thoughts like ‘How lucky’ ‘I wish I
could be like her’ ‘Why am I not her’ ‘That should be me’ ‘What have they done
in their past to deserve something like that’ ‘Thanks to God because you’re
attractive’ ‘Life is fun eh’ ‘Da aku mah apa atuh’ will cross your mind and
you will be down all of a sudden.
And feel angry because
you shouldn’t be jealous and being an ungrateful bastard but you can’t help but
feel that way.
Now I (kind of) can
accept the fact that I’m not that attractive to get people’s attention, that I
will always be everyone’s second option, that I’m too awkward to be a cool
friend, that I’m okay to be just a follower, that people hardly recognize me
because I hide too much, that I’m not rich enough to attend my faves concert, that
I’m such a loser even in social network, that’s all acceptable even though it
hurts a lot.
But one of the
most thing that I envied a lot about other people is, how close they are with
their family and could express their love freely towards each other until it
felt gross.
I, in my family,
we don’t do such things. We don’t just randomly hug and say I love you to each
other, we don’t say thank you, we don’t apologize, we don’t share deep stories,
we don’t just randomly take a picture together, we don’t do usually do those
things. We are such an awkward family. (You
know I shouldn’t reveal this but I felt sick already that I got stomatchache
because I’ve hold it too long so this needs to be done).
My relationship
with my Dad is okay and I’m awkwardly comfortable with him. Comfortable that I
mean here is, when it’s just only two of us, I feel like listening to a radio. I
don’t talk too much, and my Dad talks too much. My dad will tell me everything
what’s in his head and will keep talking even though I show him no response. If
Dad don’t talk, we’re silent. A good silence, because I don’t feel awkward. And
that’s how we spend the day together. And at those times, I will suddenly miss
my childhood. When my Dad and I were like bestfriends. I can freely hug him, hold
his hands and legs (because I was short back then, of course), whine at him,
ask him this and that, show him my failed drawing and not feeling shy, ask him
to feed me, or sitting on his lap. Now I can’t do that anymore. Everything
feels so awkward with my Dad. I felt sorry that we’re not as close as we were anymore. I think I can understand why most fathers don’t want his little daughter
to grow up. This is what happened. Their daughters are growing up and fathers feel
like they are not needed anymore.
But I will always
need my Dad. I’m still her immature daughter.
When I was a kid
people told me that I looked so much like my Dad. But as I grew up, I was told
that my face resembles my Mom a lot. That’s why when I meet people, they can
definitely tell that I’m my Mom’s daughter. When I started become a teenager, I
spent more time with my Mom than my Dad. Because I’ve gone through puberty, and
my Mom needed to tells me lots of things. But I gotta say this, I’m not that
close with my Mom as what other kids and mothers are. Mom doesn’t know about my
poor love life, Mom doesn’t know a lot about my friends, Mom doesn’t know that
I want her to tell me things more about sex education, Mom doesn’t know that I
feel desperated and frustated, Mom doesn’t know about how I often cried because
I feel bad for her and Dad, Mom doesn’t know that I wanna thank her and
apologized to her a lot but it’s hard to do, Mom doesn’t know that I’m not
confident about my own self and I want her to comfort me, there’s a lot that
Mom doesn’t know and I really want her to know. I feel so bad because we don’t
share things and our feelings together and be honest towards each other. Others
kids do that with their mother. That’s why Mom and Daughter are bestfriends. But
telling my Mom about these things are hard enough for me because even to my Mom
I’m not confident and I’m too shy to tell her. That’s why we argued a lot
because we just don’t understand each other. At times like this, I wish I was
close with my Mom since I was little. Maybe it could help.
But still, I felt
safe the most when I’m with my Mom. That’s why I rather hang out with her than
anyone else. Even though she nags a lot if I walk too fast. Hehe.
I’m literally not
close with my bother. We’ve been enemies since we were kids. He’s just one year
younger than me and that’s why we fought over things a lot. Toys, blankets,
milks, our parents attention, everything. And because of that, I spent my time
a lot with Dad, and my brother with my Mom. We fight over things, jealous
towards each other, mocking towards each other, judging towards each other, we make
up, play together, cry together, sleep
together, and that’s how we grow up together.
My relationship
with my brother didn’t get well when we were become teenager. I can say, it
became worse. He grew up, and became stronger. He was a total bully. And I was
the victim, always. I experienced the worst treatment during those times. And I
hated him a lot back then. For hurting me physically and mentally and for
hurting my parents heart. I hated him so much to the point that I wished I have no brother at all. But my Mom always told us that we shouldn’t hate
towards each other because we’re siblings and I hardly accept that because I felt
hurt a lot.
I don’t know what
happened to him that he became a lot softer now. Like now he’s 50% has changed.
Seriously. He respects everyone in the
house, including me. He even use honorifics to me. Something that I would never
imagined. He greets me a lot, talk to me and still feel okay even though I didn’t
respond him (he becomes ridiculously talkative), buy me foods because I buy him
foods too, asks me a lot and I will reply shortly but it’s okay, ask for
permission when he wants to go out, and that what makes my heart moved because
it seems like he respected me as his sister. My hatred towards him is slowly
disappeared but the memory of pain is still there.
We’re still not that
close. We practically don’t share thoughts like siblings do. We don’t watch TV
together, we don’t play games together, we don’t eat noodles together, we don’t
hang out together, we don’t share gifts on our birthdays, and don’t do anything
else that siblings do. We’re just stay together at home and become introverts
together and be busy with our own business. He’s with his computer, and me with
my laptop. I actually spend my time a lot with him at home but we don’t talk
much. Just like that. But it’s a lot better than bullying me. Even though some
of his bad habits are still there, but he’s better now. He looks like a brother
now. He matured a lot. I should be thankful.
See the
difference? My family is awkward. But I love my awkward family. Even though
sometimes I wish for a perfect family, I should’ve thought that my family is
already perfect with our imperfections. I don’t get along very well with my
whole family members, but my family is home. A home that I go to when I need
comfort, support, and love.
I love my awkward family.
And I should stop being envy to the others family and being an ungrateful kid. Dad and Mom are the best persons on earth and
that little rascal a.k.a my brother is the second after my parents.
(It's not too cheesy, right?)
(It's not too cheesy, right?)
