Kepadamu

March 12, 2017

Makassar

Kepada diriku di 15 tahun kemudian,

apa kabarmu?

Apa yang kamu lakukan saat ini?

Baik-baikkah keadaanmu?

Semoga kamu hidup bahagia disana.

Aku yang sekarang sudah lebih baik dari yang sebelumnya.

Banyak kesulitan disana-sini.

Tapi aku sudah belajar mengatasi kesusahanku,

dan kekuranganku.

Aku rasa aku baik-baik saja.

Hidupku tidak banyak berubah, 

tapi aku banyak memikirkanmu belakangan ini. 

Kamu yang hidup di 15 tahun kemudian.

Kamu yang adalah diriku.

Aku sering membayangkan kamu hidup seperti ini.

Aku sering membayangkan kamu hidup seperti itu. 

Aku sering menerka bagaimana nasibmu disana.

Aku banyak menduga mengenai kehidupanmu disana.

Tapi sepertinya tidak adil jika aku harus mendikte kehidupanmu seperti apa.

Seharusnya aku berhenti menjadi begitu yakin kalau kamu akan menjadi seperti ini,

atau seperti itu.

Itu hidupmu. 

Kamu yang menjalaninya.

Aku tidak sebaiknya mengatur-ngatur dalam khayalanku. 

Aku hanya harus fokus pada diriku saat ini, 

agar kamu bisa hidup bahagia disana.

Bukankah begitu?

Mungkin aku tidak bisa banyak membantu,

membantu diriku saja susah.

Tapi aku harap kau tidak banyak menderita karenaku.

Aku sudah banyak menderita disini,

jadi aku harap penderitaan ini cepat berakhir.

Agar kamu tidak perlu merasakannya.

Biar aku saja, dan diriku di masa lalu yang melalui semua itu.

Kamu hanya harus bahagia, karena itulah harapanku untukmu,

diriku di 15 tahun kemudian.

Setelah semua yang telah dilalui, kamu pantas mendapatkannya. 

and so she got ready

February, 1st 2016

20:03

On the edge of cliff leading to a deep deep ocean,

there was a girl.

A girl standing on the edge was in a huge hesitation.

What are you doing standing there?

Looking into the nothingness that is the deep of the ocean?

What are you seeking?

What do you wish to appear?

Why don't you reach it yourself?

Why don't you find out yourself?

The girl kept asking on her mind.

She wasn't so sure either. 

There was something she wanted to do.

There was something she wanted to try.

But it seemed too difficult.

The ungrounded sea was in front of her after all.

Then why bother to be hesitated?

You can just leave it.

No! Her other inner-self exclaimed.

You can jump. It's not difficult.

Your mind makes it difficult.

But isn't it easy to just jump? 

You just have to take a step and ease your body.

And find out  what's on the other end of this ocean. 

The girl frowned, head dizzy from all the inner conflicts.

Why was she so reluctant? She asked herself.

She was brave in mind,

she had something she wanna try,

she was sure of it, and she wanna challenge herself.

But she wasn't sure if she was brave in action.

Her strong will didn't help her brave herself to take a step forward.

Her breath are rushed,

legs were shaking, hands were trembling,

palms were sweaty, she felt her eyes sting.

But her eyes were so focused on the other end that she couldn't make sure what was there yet. 

The sight was started to get blurry.

Could she do it? 

All the thoughts, the strong will, the fear of failure, her body reaction, made her feel exhausted real quick.

It was all too much.

She couldn't bear the feeling.

She felt too small and inexperienced to handle all of this.

Then she turned around on her ground, 

her back completely faced the deep mysterious ocean,

the source of her overwhelming curiousity,

and then she took a step, two steps, three, four,

she keeps walking further,

until she couldn't hear the sound of waves rustling anymore.

Until she couldn't feel the breezy air around the ocean anymore.

Until she became even further from the answer of her biggest curiousity.

Later on, she regretted her act.

She had lost the exact moment of her turning-point life.

Her once in a life time chance.

She wasn't confident enough to take a risk,

and she felt stupid for being unconfident.

While living in shame and guilt, she tried to gain confidence as much as she could.

So that she wouldn't have to run away from another deep ocean again.

She had to know how deep the ocean is,

and how far she could swim to reach the end of the ocean.

And to find out what was there.

So she got ready.