October, 23rd 2016
I'm gonna tell you one of my complex.
I used to be very confident with my body. I'm not exactly in a good shape, though. Not even close, I think. I'm too thin to be called ideal. I'm underweight. And I'm tall, which makes it so obvious that I look so thin. My body is not your typical ideal body type.
No.
But I'm all fine with that. I'm confident.
I believe this is not anorexia. I'm not obsessed with being thin and starve myself so I'm not gonna gain weight. I'm okay with gaining weight (I wish it could happen), but I just never gain weight, I don't know why. It's just, I'm confident with how I look is all.
I was confident even when many people told me that I was too thin. But that's not the problem. I never took people's saying by heart and stay being confident. Not until a friend's mother told me the same thing. She told me the same thing, but something suddenly clicked in me. She didn't just tell me casually about that, she was wondering how can I be so thin and walk around confidently, it was all obvious on her face. That's what I caught.
And then it hit me. People don't like my appearance. People looked at me weirdly. People looked at me with this confused eyes. And I suddenly became very aware of myself. It striked in in a matter of seconds. I don't look good in their eyes. I look concerning in their eyes.
And with that, all my confidence crushed down just like that. It lost in a matter of seconds. I took a look at myself in the mirror. Took a proper look on myself. Tried to see myself from other people's point of view. And all I could see was negativity, bad thoughts invaded. Judges. I looked like a walking skeleton. I have no cheeks. My collarbone looked too obvious it sticked out so much it looked scary. My wrists were too small and they didn't look good in my eyes anymore. The good looking me were all gone.
I was fine with that. I believed I had no problem with that. But it was all suddenly look bad with the change of my perspective of my body and the lost confidence. I became too aware of others thought about me all of a sudden and that was suck. I was confident before, now it's all gone. I feel so bad about myself and it did change my behavior.
I started wearing long sleeve shirts that would cover my unhealthy looking wrists until half of my fingers. I started wearing oversized shirts so that I won't come out looking too skinny to other people. I stopped exposed too much skin when I used to do it a lot. I felt insecure when I gaher with my friends and talk about private stuffs.I kepr thinking about what would others think of me and suffer myself to no end. I suddenly hate slumber party and other stuffs that require sleeping together with other people in the same room. I literally lost all the confidence I had before and it changed me a lot.
Because I'm too thin I lost hope on getting liked by some guy 'cause guys won't like a walking skeleton girl. I hesitant doing some activities that I want to do when it requires stay for several nights at some places, and stop mid way. I keep looking in the mirror thinking how unattractive I look.
I feel sorry to myself for losing confidence that was pretty much very important to me. My thin body has became my complex and I hope I could change that. I should fix my eating habit first.
I really don't like talking about my deficiency like this. But I'm not telling this to other people so my diary and blog are all I have to tell this to. I promised muself I will stop letting negative thoughts barge in again in my head after this. I've done so well these past months, I'm not gonna ruin that anymore. I've tried so hard. It's hard to fight for yourself, but I shouldn't stop. Not like this.
I think I have had enough.
