20:29
"Don't hide yourself behind that
cold-hearted mask of yours. Maybe someone turned you like this, but
don't let them get the satisfaction of being able to break you down" -
Kyulilo
People say there's no regret in life, it's just lessons learned.
But this girl..
She regrets so many things in her life that she feel frustated. If she's person with weak mental she probably have done suicide long time ago. Oh who am I kidding? Her mental is weak, it's a surprise that she still survives until now.
She regrets herself for being too weak. She can't let out her anger towards people or just simply scream because she will cry as soon as the emotion gets into her. Such a whiny. She hates it. She suffered a lot because she's holding too much inside of her. She might explode someday but she doesn't want that happen. It's not an easy task to hold it that long.
She regrets herself for having a low self-esteem, having neurotic inferior, having low self-confidence. She desperates a lot, wants someone to understand her fully just by looking into her eyes and see the desperation in there. But she knows that she's hiding too much, the desperation was covered by the fake happiness filled in her eyes. She wants people to know that she's asking for help.
Such a wishful thinking. She knows that no one will notice until she speaks out.
But she's too afraid and ashamed of herself to tell the others about her, to asking for help. She's aware of others reactions. Some people noticed. But once someone started to worry about her, she pushed them away, told them to mind their own business. And once again, she's struggling alone.
She regrets herself for not taking care of herself well in the past. Some things that she didn't understand yet happened and she freaked out inside because the lack of experience. No one could make her understand and to make her calm down that fear started to take all over her. Fear made her giving up on anything and became an ignorant person. Now she experienced body-ashamed. Her self-esteem is in the lower level even more that it's so close to depression. People will make fun of her jokingly and all she had to do is laugh along or pretend to not hear anything, even though it hurts inside. But she can't do nothing. Telling them to stop won't make her feel better, and she's too embarrassed to even tell them to stop. Boo.
She regrets for not be able to fight for dream, fight for something that she wanted to do, fight for her happiness. She let herself being controlled by some 'threatening' words that that day she was too scared to risk it. She failed to defense herself. She failed to make her beloved ones believe in her, that she can do it, that she will made it to the end. And then her superego spoke inside of her, 'You couldn't even believe in yourself, how could you make them believe in you?'. The realization hit her hard. She wasn't brave enough to believe in herself. She needed someone to hold her. To support her. But the support she got wasn't the support that she wanted.
She took a wrong move. And now she suffered a lot. Suffered alone. She felt like burning in a hell with nice people in it. She felt cornered, she felt useless, she felt stupid despite all her friendliness and cheery sassy act all the time. Since she's an expert in pretending, she doesn't have a hard time acting nice in front her friend. Smile, even though she's dying inside.
She's dying inside. She felt numb. She desperately want someone to tell her thet they know what she has been through and tell her that everything's gonna be okay. To make her sure that she's gonna through pass it. To make her sure that not everything were against her. To make her sure that she will see the light tomorrow. And to promise her that it's all true.
More important, to make her believe that there's really no regret in life, it's just lessons that has been learned.
End.
